Hey is Not for Horses!

  Source Have you ever been called a jackass for using the word “hey”? “Hay is for horses,” they say. Then they get mean and ornery and say, “Aren’t you glad you’re a jackass!” That’s not nice! Who are these people? Idiots? Do they not like interjections? Are they not aware that “hey” is a…

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The Big Wow: A Psychonaut’s Amazing DMT Journey

Source That trip was insanely wowwer than wow, it was the Big Wow! And I mean BIG! Mind-blowingly BIG! My body sang with celestial wonderment as supernova chakra electrified every atom of my core! I’m siting on a hotel balcony in Bangkok, Thailand in the afternoon getting high with this dude named Crux. I just…

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Sperm Banks and Vasectomies

  Winner of Steemit’s @ComedyOpenMic Weekly Comedy Contest (Round 22). Sperm banks and vasectomies are two things that I typically avoid talking about: Simply because I never want to have the latter and the former creeps me out! So it was surprising when my Canadian buddy, Dickie, brought both of them up in a recent…

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The Squeaky Wheel

  Hey, have you heard this: The squeaky wheel gets all the grease? Ain’t that the god’s honest truth! The squeaky wheel gets all the attention, don’t it! Let me tell you, this rubber head that I work with just doesn’t know how to turn it off: yapita, yapita, yapita. I mean the guy cannot…

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UFO No-Go

“I brought this pistol because you never know about these aliens: You don’t know if they want to fuck you, fight you or fillet you!” “We interrupt this regularly scheduled broadcast for a news flash,” says Tom Tinkerton at WBLO’s international studios in Atlanta, Georgia. “A UFO has just been sited near Rawhide, Nevada. WBLO’s ace…

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Cat Apology

We had been together for five years through thick and thin and I knew he was pissed off, rightfully so. I was sitting in my downtown Austin, Texas apartment when my buddy Carl came over. He was way down in the mouth and moody. We had both gone to UT together and had both recently…

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When Not to Mention a Booger

  Do I raise a fuss and cause an international incident over a booger? A few years ago I was in Shenzhen, China—a megacity across the border from Hong Kong—and in the mood for a movie. After walking to a brand new theater in an upscale mall called The MixC, I approached a cute ticket agent and instantly…

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The Weed Fashionista

You ever see a beautiful woman and you can’t help but talk to her? Well, one day while walking through the Cloud 9 department store above the Zhongshan Park metro station in Shanghai, I noticed an amazingly attractive young woman dressed in an outfit that screamed: Hey, I love weed! She wore a backpack designed with colors from the…

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Chappelle on Shemales

I was like, “Bitch, you sucked so much dick tonight there’s not one dry ball sack left!” –Dave Chappelle Winner of Steemit’s @ComedyOpenMic Contest Round 8 Warning: Strong language and adult situations. Hi, Dave Chappelle here with a serious question: Guys, you ever suck dick before? I mean, like just get the shaft all down…

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