Are you one of those sick fucks who just let’s your farts come out willy-nilly? Don’t care who you gas as long as you get it out of your ass? Don’t care who’s nostrils you infect? You go over to friends’ and family’s houses and just let her rip from the moment you arrive till the time you leave? Well guess what, there’s something you can do to greatly improve your social life. Yes, you can light your farts on fire and impress everyone you know!
You may be wondering why on earth anyone would want to light their farts. Well, the biggest bonus to lighting your farts— other than it’s fun as fuck — is that burning them kills the smell. Thus, if your farts stink like shit and nobody wants to be around you, then by all means, please light them and save the rest of us!
Now, I bet you didn’t know this, but fewer than 10% of the population has ever lit a fart! That’s unbelievable! Considering all the methane in the atmosphere and the over-awareness of global warming, these people could singlehandedly save the planet if they started lighting their farts!
If you are one of the billions of people who doesn’t know how to light a fart, have no fear! Below, I have clearly and concisely created some step-by-step instructions on how to effectively light a fart without burning down the house or singing the pets. (On a side note, I just realized that the “ing” form of “sing” and “singe” are the same. Does that make any sense? Here’s another noodle-knocker, try figuring out homonyms.)
Before we get started, let me provide a little backend information.
Some of you may not know why you fart. For youse guys, here’s a short read about flatulence and some little known facts, such as the average adult farts 12 to 25 times per day. (Does that number seem low?) Furthermore, this site claims that if you hold in your farts, they will come out of your mouth! Now you know why your burps reek!
Step 1: Ingesting Fart Causing Substance
First and foremost, before even attempting to light the methane ejaculating from your heinie, you must have a good deal of gaseous causing substances already in the pooper. Thus, please consume mass quantities of any edible material that will cause your rear end to really rumble. If you aren’t quite sure what to eat, please visit this website. Interesting factoid, topping the list of foods that will make you fart on the aforementioned website is sugar-free food — who knew!
Step 2: Assembling Appropriate Equipment
Okay, you’re now at the point where you’re pinching your cheeks to avoid gassing the office, your family or the entire neighborhood. Good, that’s right where you need to be. Hopefully some stinky bits aren’t currently leaking out and causing your eyes to burn. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there, trying to hold back a massive blast that somehow manages to eek out. And it usually happens at the most inopportune time like at a job interview, during sexual intercourse or when you’re on bended knee proposing to the love of your life!
No worries, once you learn to light your farts you’ll want the added attention.
Alright, now let’s carefully go over the equipment needed to safely light a fart. First on the list, you’ll need a thick pair of pants like blue jeans. I can’t overemphasize how important the thickness of your pants is. If you fail to neglect this important nugget, you may end up inflicting serious pain to yourself or inadvertently igniting your clothing on fire!
Also, wear long pants because you never know where your crazy fart flame will go. It could shoot out five feet and then suck back towards your keister and torch your leg hairs or light your shorts on fire. Thus, wear thick pants!
You’ll also need a lighter, but not a short one. Get a long-reach or kitchen lighter. This way you won’t have to stretch too far to reach your sphincter. Please note, sometimes the methane from your farts envelopes the lighter and could end up burning your hand or causing the lighter to explode. Thus, a long-stemmed kitchen lighter is highly recommended!
Be warned that some fart-lighting enthusiasts have been known to accidentally light themselves on fire! Thus, it’s always a good idea to keep a fire extinguisher close by, just in case. In addition, have somebody nearby to help you if something goes horribly wrong.
In addition, the fart flame could be huge! In fact, it’s actually impossible to predict how big your fart flame will be. Thus, it’s extremely important to make sure your kids, small animals, houseplants and anything flammable is not within ten feet of your ass or else it could all go up in flames!
One more point, you should be lighting farts in well ventilated places free of any flammable substances in the air. For example, if you just sprayed perfume and then light a fart, guess what, the perfume vapor could light on fire! Furthermore, sunscreen spray and oranges could light as well, so always err on the side of caution before attempting to light anything coming out of your bung.
Step 3: Getting into position
Now it’s time to get into position. When a biggun’ is brewing, simply sit on the ground, lean back, and then tilt your ass so your butthole is off the ground. Additionally, make sure you are sitting on a solid, non-flammable surface. Important safety tip: If you’re sitting on some carpet, a violently explosive lit fart could melt it.
Next, pull your knees towards your chest, yet leave a large enough space between your knees for the flame to exit. In other words, don’t squeeze your knees together because the flame needs ample room to expand and you definitely don’t want to block the flame with your legs! Alternatively, you could pull your knees away from the gaseous zone by lifting your legs up high above your tush.
The major benefit of this position is, 1) If you do manage to light your ass on fire you can immediately see the flame and start to squash, slap or roll the fire out. 2) You’ll also be able to clearly see where the flame goes. For example, if it happens to light Fido on fire, you’ll be able to react quickly and save a pupper’s life!
Once in farting position, put the lighter as close to your anus orifice as possible.
Step 4: Lighting that fire
Here’s where the fun begins: actually lighting the fart! By now you’re wearing thick pants, you have a long lighter, you’re leaning back in a sitting position, you’re positive that nothing flammable is near you or around you, you’ve set a fire extinguisher nearby as a precautionary measure, you have a friend nearby watching you and most importantly, you’ve got a big nasty fart begging to see daylight. Okay, you’re all set!
Make sure the lighter is directly over your poop-shoot, then light that lighter! To get the best results, you should have the flame touching your jeans and make sure it’s right on your asshole — not hovering around your taint or grundle. Once the lighter is lit and in the correct location, let the fart out all out once! Do not hold back and slowly squeeze one out. Instead, let it rip like you’ve got a pair! I mean shoot that gas out like there’s no tomorrow! But not too hard, cause you don’t want to follow through and squirt out a hefty turd!
If done correctly, a huge plume of methane will ignite and expand to fill the area between your legs. If, on the other hand, you get a small, limp burst, please go back to Step 1 and eat more methane producing food.
Once you have perfected the fart-lighting technique, you can impress your friends and family members by lighting cigarettes, starting charcoal barbecues and even arc welding on heavy equipment!
One final note, farting near any flame could be potentially dangerous, thus please take extreme caution when attempting this maneuver. And always check to see that the coast is clear before breaking wind!
Below are some fart-lighting videos that I found online. I’ve taken the liberty of adding some of my own personal comments to the videos.
Wrong Clothing 1
This guy is wearing flammable shorts, yet uses a long lighter.
Wrong Clothing 2
This guy uses a match and is wearing flammable long johns. Thus, you can guess what happens.
Wrong Clothing 3
This guy has the correct form, but is wearing his underwear. I do not recommend wearing shorts or only underwear.
This guy is totally clueless!
This guy has the form all wrong, is wearing shorts and has his cat way, way too close (Skip to 5:10 to see the fart).
Long way to success
These chicks eventually figure it out, but burn their clothes along the way.
This guy knows how it’s done. He has the right lighter, is wearing the correct clothing and also lifts his legs up out of the way. But I would not recommend doing it on a flammable sofa.
This guy lights a candle on fire and is obviously an advanced fart lighter. However, I do not recommend wearing shorts or sitting on a flammable chair.
Bonus Coverage: The Fart Lover
This guy, Mr. Methane, is a master at “anal voicing”!
Have fun, but please fart safely!
Main image courtesy Aqua Mechanical @Flickr.
Gifs courtesy giphy.com.
Previously on Groovatti
Thank you for reading “How to light a fart on fire and not burn down the house or singe the pets”!
Check out some of my other stories:
- Fiery Hemorrhoid Remedy
- Hey is Not for Horses
- The Big Wow: A Psychonaut’s Amazing DMT Journey
- Sperm Banks and Vasectomies (Winner of Steemit’s ComedyOpenMic Weekly Comedy Contest Round 22)
- The Squeaky Wheel
- UFO No-Go
- Cat Apology
- When Not to Mention a Booger
- The Weed Fashionista
- Chappelle on Shemales (Winner of Steemit’s ComedyOpenMic Contest Round 8)
- Star Trek Discovery Fan Fiction: Asteroids Amongst Us
Hillel Groovatti is the author of the short fiction collection entitled Totally Losing Face and Other Stories.