Has your asspipe ever been in so much pain that you couldn’t stand or sit without wanting to scream? If not, consider yourself lucky! However, if you know what I’m talking about, then I think I have a quick solution for you. It’s not a cure, but it could quench the sudden pain flaring up from inside your innards.
Let me begin with how I developed my remedy.
One day, I was sitting on the toilet trying to push out a goliath shit when all the sudden I was overcome by an unexpectedly intense pain emanating from whence I was trying to expel the long turd.
This throbbing pain was so obnoxiously overwhelming, so annoyingly piercing that I immediately had to stand up and clinch tightly as I tried in vain to deaden the gripping ache that seemed to be shooting out in all directions up my ass like a spider’s web from hell!
I jumped around, pounded my butt up against the wall, squeezed my cheeks tightly, dropped to the ground bouncing my bum up and down, and then tried to lie calmly on the cold tile floor, but nothing worked!
In desperation I drew a warm bath. Once the tub filled up, I eased in and sat there contemplating suicide. I mean the burning sensation was unbearable!
Much to my surprise, after five minutes, the pain was completely gone and I have no idea why? Did the warm water feed my ass-ter-rhoid? Was it thirsty? Did the water calm me down? I don’t fucking know? All I know is that sitting in warm water stopped the pain in its tracks.
Thus, the next time you have a butt-tube-burn, immediately jump into a warm bath, or a Jacuzzi or even a pool. I haven’t actually tried the last two, but they should work. I know for sure, 100%, that the warm bath water works.
So give it a shot whenever your hemorrhoid flairs up and ruins your otherwise beautiful day!
Previously on Groovatti
Thank you for reading “Fiery Hemorrhoid Remedy”!
Check out some of my other stories:
- Hey is Not for Horses
- The Big Wow: A Psychonaut’s Amazing DMT Journey
- Sperm Banks and Vasectomies (Winner of Steemit’s ComedyOpenMic Weekly Comedy Contest Round 22)
- The Squeaky Wheel
- UFO No-Go
- Cat Apology
- When Not to Mention a Booger
- The Weed Fashionista
- Chappelle on Shemales (Winner of Steemit’s ComedyOpenMic Contest Round 8)
- Star Trek Discovery Fan Fiction: Asteroids Amongst Us
Hillel Groovatti is the author of the short fiction collection entitled Totally Losing Face and Other Stories.