The Squeaky Wheel


The Squeaky Wheel by Hillel Groovatti

The worst wheel on the cart makes the most noise.

–Benjamin Franklin

Hey, have you heard this: The squeaky wheel gets all the grease? Ain’t that the god’s honest truth! The squeaky wheel gets all the attention, don’t it! Let me tell you, this rubber head that I work with just doesn’t know how to turn it off: yapita, yapita, yapita. I mean the guy cannot control himself. The rest of us are out on the road spinning our wheels while this blowhole just won’t shut the fuck up!

Lug Nuts

Look, I’ve got half the tread he does, but you don’t hear me screeching like a hoot owl in heat! No, I’m not an attention getter, why should I be! I do my job and don’t complain about it. Listen, it’s simple, you get in the car, turn her on and boom, I go to work. I help you get from point A to point B. Be that shopping, or picking up the kids, going to work or whatever. Most times you don’t even know I’m here because I’m doing my fucking job! But not a day goes by that that squeaky lug nut doesn’t go on a tirade about nothing and try to shine the spotlight on his rusty rims. Shocking, isn’t it!

Wheel Lube & Rotation

Get this, I’m out here dodging nails, glass, prickly lumber, road kill, suicidal snakes, you name it! I’m working hard for you, I really am! And do I get any love and affection? Hell no! Once in a blue moon you’ll kick me on the sides or piss on me and that’s the thanks I get. And here this blowout with not even 50,000 miles on him comes in and hems and haws and suddenly you can’t stop showering him with attention!

Valve Stems

I can’t believe this guy! He’s so overinflated, probably thinks his lube doesn’t stink! Well let me tell you, he’s throwing me way outta whack! And he can suck my valve stem if he thinks the rest of us are going to put up with him for much longer! I’m telling ya, what I’d really like to do is jack him up and give him a thorough rotation, if you know what I mean!

Rim Job

Think about it, you don’t hear me whining about every puddle, or every hard stop or even every quick turn, do ya! I’m here for you, but don’t take my silence as a sign that I’m not working hard. I am! But again, I don’t blow your ears out every fucking day with that same old squeakidy, scmeapidy high pitched squealing that this rim job constantly produces! Give me some air! Is he for real?

Spare Tire

All I’m trying to say here is, no disrespect, but I’m working my treads off for you, yet I feel like I’m getting no traction! So please be aware of that. And for god sakes, get rid of that fucking loud-ass third wheel, he’s rattling all our nuts!

The End.

How often do you lube your wheels?

Previously on

Image courtesy MikesPhotos at Pixaby.

Hillel Groovatti is the author of the short fiction collection entitled Totally Losing Face and Other Stories.

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