I was like, “Bitch, you sucked so much dick tonight there’s not one dry ball sack left!”
Warning: Strong language and adult situations.
Below is an imaginary stand-up comedy performance by legendary comedian Dave Chappelle.
Hi, Dave Chappelle here with a serious question: Guys, you ever suck dick before? I mean, like just get the shaft all down your throat, balls whacking your chin, pubes in your teeth? No? To be honest, me neither, until…
I was in Las Vegas one night with my white friends and we rented a big-ass suite — like in the movie The Hangover. We had a Jacuzzi, a DJ, plenty of drugs, groupies, and titty dancers.
Next thing I knew, I was high as a Georgia Pine and sitting on a couch, minding my own business— as I frequently do when I’m high. I mean, honestly speaking, I can barely get off the couch when I’m high.
All the sudden, one of the titty dancers pulled me off the couch and into a room. I was thinking she was either gonna give me a private show or get freaky with me. Either way, I was giddy as all giddy gets! So we went into my room and right away I noticed she had some big ‘ole titties and was wearing a tiny, tight miniskirt. She sat me on the bed and took off her top. All I could do was stare at her amazing rack. Her breastages were huge and perfectly formed. I was so stoned that I was actually trying to hit her titties like a boxer hitting a speed bag, ’cept I kept hitting my head instead. I was that stoned!
I should have known something was up because she started playing music from her smartphone on a mini speaker. It was that hard rock song, “Givin’ the dog a bone”. I should have put two and two together at that moment in time, but I was really too high to pay much attention. In addition, a non-stop string of drool was coming out my mouth and I couldn’t stop smiling. “I’m going to get laid with a hot titty dancer,” kept looping through my mind.
Anyway, while playing the song, she started doing a little dance routine and getting closer and closer to me. Halfway through, she abruptly grabbed my noggin and pushed it down to her crotch. It wasn’t like a gentle push, no sir, uh-uh, it was more like a full-on two-handed shove. And this bitch was deceptively strong! My head was down there in no time at all and she wasn’t letting me back up!
Now, it was dark in the room, like pitch black, so I just went along with it and opened my mouth and stuck out my tongue expecting to taste some pussy. Next thing I knew, I felt something foreign on my tongue (licking the mic). Not like vagina mind you, but like a big-ass dick!
I’m ‘bout to knock the shit out of her when the door busted open and my white friends came piling on in.
“(In a white accent) Gee Dave, are you a dick sucker?” one of them asked.
“No, goddamnit, I’m not,” I screamed.
Now I’d like to interrupt this story to point out some interesting cultural differences between black dudes and white dudes. So here it is, black dudes talk about sex a lot. If you have any male black friends, they always go on and on about fucking this or that. But we do not, I repeat, we do not like it when people watch us having sex. We just don’t like it, period. Once we get down to bidness, we want the doors closed, no spectators, okay?
Now white dudes on the other hand, they make popcorn and camp outside your mutherfucking window — like they’re watching a spectator sport or something. And once you get naked with a chick, white dudes start pouring in, undressing, and trying to get busy with you. When that shit first happened to me, I was shocked. So the next time, I locked the door, but these assholes picked the lock and barged right on in! I was like, “Get the fuck out of here mutherfuckers!”
So back in Vegas when my white friends came in, I wasn’t surprised. But I was surprised when the shemale looked around at all the fresh meat and said, “(In a sexy shemale voice) Anybody want their dick sucked?”
Even more surprising was that all my drunk-ass white friends said, “Why yes! I’d be honored. Please do me first.”
I was like, “Damn, you guys must be hard up!”
While hanging all over the shemale, one of them said, “Dave, she’s got big boobies, very lively. And tasty!”
I let them have her and left the room as fast as a stoner can.
A while later, I was in the Jacuzzi on the balcony overlooking the city by myself getting high and enjoying the amazing view . The other titty dancers, the DJ, and most of the guests had all left. Those that were still around, were passed out in different locations about the suite. I was exhausted and just wanted some sleep, but that he-bitch was still turning tricks in my room!
Finally, she staggered out and veered towards the Jacuzzi buck naked, in all her glory. I mean, dick swinging, navel ring shining, titties sparkling. Did I mention that she had humongously perfect, pierced-nipple titties staring right at me and kind of defying gravity and bouncing ever so slightly?
I was transfixed on those titties, then she walked over and said to me, “Dave, it’s your turn, baby.”
I’m like, “Bitch, you sucked so much dick tonight there’s not one dry ball sack left on the premises!”
“You’re not dry,” she said hovering over the Jacuzzi. She was standing there with one arm on her hip swaying from side to side, dick flapping around. She was high from swallowing so much cum! It literally made her drunk.
Suddenly those titties started to look real good and I mean, gotdamn, them were some amazingly good-looking titties! She must’ve paid some doctor a pretty penny to create a rack like that. They were damn near perfect: massive thumb-sized nipples, velvety-smooth areolas, and not much noticeable razor stubble.
I started having an existential crisis. I wasn’t questioning the meaning of my life, but the direction of the whole evening and the direction of the moment. I was licking my lips staring at those titties; they were mesmerizing! I was about to give in when all the sudden, of all people, my grandmother pops up in my imagination. I’m about ten years old at her house and she’s got a nice plate of chocolip chip cookies: That’s what I used to call them, “chocolip” cuz they made your lips all chocolaty as they were bursting with chips, literally bursting. My grandma’s wearing an apron and motioning me over, steam is gently rising off the huge plate of cookies she’s holding. The whole house smells like love and old people. You know what I’m talking about. So I go over, grab me the biggest cookie on the plate and sit down on her lap while she’s in a rocking chair. I’m macking down on that cookie and she’s rocking away and humming some old, long forgotten tune. She starts rubbing her titty. What? Then she grabs my ear and twists it as hard as she can and starts quoting time. “David Khari Webber Chappelle, if you suck that tranny’s titties, I’ll smack you from here to next week! I’ll whip you like there’s no tomorrow! You’ll be lucky to see next Friday! Do you hear me, boy?”
That suddenly woke me up out of my trance. Hell no, I wasn’t sucking some tranny’s titties, even if they were perfectly round, smooth as a baby’s bottom! Granny was absolutely right! No tranny titty sucking, period, end of the discussion.
Back to the Jacuzzi. The shemale sat on the edge of the tub playing with her titties and eying my dick. She fluttered her eyelids at me and said, “Come on David, honey, it’s your turn.”
“Uh-uh, no siree Bob, or Dick, or Peter, or whatever the fuck your name is,” I said.
Disappointed, she started splashing water onto her privates and playing with herself. She looked at me dead in the eyes and angled a tit towards my mouth, then extending her hand towards my crotch she said, “Come on Dave, you know you want it.”
“No, I don’t,” I said trying to push her arm away.
Now this is when it started getting crazy! So the Jacuzzi was bubbling, right? There were suds all over and as she was playing with herself and trying to get me to suck her titty, she simultaneously started reaching for my dick (this bitch was a multitasker I’m telling you!), but I kept pushing her arm away and moving my dick around so she couldn’t get it. You ever play that arcade game, “whack a mole”? It was a bit like that, ‘cept I kept hiding my dick from her. She grabbed my knee, my elbow, my hand, my foot, everything ‘cept my dick.
I was like, “Bitch, get the fuck away from my dick, goddamnit! And get that titty the fuck outta my face! Please!”
I eventually had to cross my legs so my dick was covered up like in that movie The Silence of the Lambs. Man, I thought I was safe, I thought she would get the message and leave. Go on, get! But she would not be denied!
Finally, she latched onto my dick, which was tucked tightly between my legs, and ended up twisting me around, and yanking me practically out of the Jacuzzi! I’m telling you, this bitch was fucking He-man strong! Nevertheless, I somehow managed to right myself so that I was facing her again.
Picture this, here I was floating in the water overlooking Vegas, high out of my mind, grasping the sides of the Jacuzzi for support, got a muscle-bound shemale holding me up by my dick, and then she leaned in and opened her mouth!
I did the only thing I could think of doing at the moment: I pissed in her face. I did! If R. Kelly can do it, so can I, you know what I’m saying! Anyway, I stupidly figured she’d get the message and leave me the fuck alone!
You know what she did? She started moving her face around the piss stream like she was getting spritzed! At that time, everything was going in slow motion like from the movie The Matrix, ‘cept she was trying to get hit by my bullets of piss, not dodge them. Then I ran out of piss! Oh fuck!
She opened her mouth again.
I was like, “No, no, no, get, the fuck, away, from, my dick!” I was trying to push that bitch away, but she had like a death grip on my dick and she was strong like bull. As she moved in to suck me off, I started swinging my ass around in circles to avoid her mouth. At one point I stuck her in the eye with my dick. She closed that eye and kept at it. I knew there and then that she was bound and determined to suck my dick! There was no stopping her.
I was running out of options and if I didn’t think of something quickly, she was going to clamp onto my dick with her smeared lipstickity mouth that sucked half the city and suck me off in no time at all, lickidy-split. Had to come up with a new plan pronto! Think Dave! So I did the first thing that came to mind, I spit a long stream of Jacuzzi water into her other eye. It worked, I temporarily blinded her! But she wasn’t giving up that easily.
“Dave, stop playing hard to get,” she said rubbing her eyeball with her free hand.
“Let go of my dick, you sucked enough tonight,” I said trying to provide some sort of sanity to the situation.
She suddenly let go of my dick and grabbed my ball sack. She flashed me a snarky smirk because she knew I wasn’t going to be moving around much with one hand locked onto my sack.
Now ladies, guys seem to lose their hearing in the heat of the moment. But let me tell you one thing, it’s amazing how clearly you can hear when someone starts squeezing your nuts. I had 20–20 hearing or whatever the word is. I mean, I could hear a pin drop from a mile away!
After grabbing my nuts, she slowly loosened her neck, threw back her hair, and then went for my dick. I was a goner; however, I did have one trick left up my sleeve. Now I can’t believe I did this, but dire situations require extreme measures: So I grabbed her ball sack. I did! I grabbed another dude’s testicles! Felt like two hardboiled eggs in an old plastic bag. It was disgusting, but I had to do it!
“Dave,” she squealed.
“Oh don’t Dave me,” I said getting all gangster on her. “(In a 1920s gangster accent) I’ll rip your nuts right off if you don’t let go of my fucking balls, see! Schma, you’ll be singing falsetto for the rest of your life, see!”
We were in a Mexican standoff. Is that term politically correct? Fuck it, y’all know what I mean. I had her junk and she had mine.
Right at that moment I noticed all the hotels surrounding the one I was in. Each hotel had literally hundreds of windows facing my direction. Anybody could have been filming this crazy situation on their smartphone and uploading it to the world. I imagined a broadcaster saying, “(In a white broadcaster accent) This just in, comedian Dave Chappelle is caught in an ethnic standoff with a local cross-dressing titty dancer that goes by the stage name ‘Frumunda Cheese’. It’s unclear why this is happening or how they both got into this riveting situation, but we will update you as soon as they get down to business.”
I felt pretty cocky at the moment, pardon the pun, and flashed her a cheeky smile.
“It’s your move, bitch,” I said tightening my grip.
“Dave,” she said still swaying. “I, I, I…”
Just then, she puked all over me! It was fucking disgusting! A huge stream of vomit came flowing out like Niagara Falls. It kept coming and coming. It was something like 80% jizz, 10% breath mints, and 10% pubic hair!
Luckily she let go of my balls after that. I jumped outta that Jacuzzi lightning fast and put on some pants with a tight belt even though I was dripping wet. Feeling safe, I walked right up to that shemale, she was still dry heaving into the Jacuzzi, and immediately drug her naked ass through the suite and kicked her the fuck out! I did! I tossed her clothes and personal items out into the hallway a few minutes later. Then I took a long shower, a very long shower.
Afterwards, I called room service and told them to clean and disinfect the entire Jacuzzi! I wasn’t about to jump into that thing again, but I wanted to make sure it was safe for others to get into it next time. I mean, can you imagine jumping into that thing after she puked into it? Fucking gross!
After it was all said and done, I did learn one important lesson from this whole episode: Shemales, they too damned aggressive! They are!
Hillel Groovatti is the author of the short fiction collection entitled Totally Losing Face and Other Stories.
The image above was professionally created for this post.
Disclaimer: I am not associated with Mr. David Khari Webber Chappelle in any way, shape or form. This is simply a standup comedy fan fiction piece written for entertainment purposes only.