The exciting story continues!
Warning: Strong language and adult situations.
SYNOPSIS: Cartman gets busted trying to kill his neighbor’s rooster while Randy tries to institute a global ban on porn, hilarity ensues.
Special Guest Stars: Towelie, ManBearPig, Al Gore, Jenna Jameson, Dr. Phil, Judge Judy, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Perry Mason, Paul Rubens, the Raisins, Terrance & Phillip, Satan, Jesus, and introducing Radcliff the Rooster. Roll video, start theme music, and begin South Park intro!
Close up of Dr. Phil on stage in front of a large studio audience filming his latest show.
DR. PHIL: Hi folks, do you ever masturbate and wonder about its divine consequences? Do you see yourself burning in hell for all eternity? Well, today we will hear from a panel created to discuss the ethereal issues of self-gratification. (Walking towards his seated panel) We have with us here today the benevolent high priest Godsmear (Close up of the priest). Dr. Joyce Brothers, noted sexual therapist (Close up of Dr. Brothers). And Mr. Randy Marsh (Close up of Randy, wearing bandages from the explosion) self imposed evangelical global banner of the porn. Also, we have via satellite Jenna Jameson (Close up of Jenna waving on a big screen), noted pornographic star and here to promote her new autobiographical book: Jenna Does It All (Randy tries to avert his eyes from looking at Jena).
DR. PHIL: (Turning to camera 3) Okay, let’s begin. Priest Godsmear, is self-gratification an actual sin?
PRIEST: Well Phil, it never directly refers to masturbation in the bible, but refers to it in other ways.
DR. PHIL: But isn’t that odd since it refers to all different forms of sex, including sex with animals? Why did it specifically leave out the chapter on masturbation, do you believe?
PRIEST: I cannot answer that, but I suppose it was a taboo subject when the bible was written and people just didn’t talk about it then.
DR. PHIL: They talked about sex with animals, but not masturbation? Fascinating! Now, Dr. Brothers, what is your opinion?
DR. BROTHERS: Well, I believe self-gratification is the most normal thing in the world, and the fact that the bible does not mention it speaks volumes to that fact. We are humans, and humans are sexual creatures, and self-gratification is a normal part of being human.
DR. PHIL: I see. Now, Mr. Marsh, why is it that you want to put a global ban on porn?
RANDY: Well, Doc, I uh, had an epiphany one night. I was visited by Satan and he informed me that I was going straight to hell for fornicating, manually.
DR. PHIL: So what is it specifically that eats you about porn?
RANDY: It’s evil. It causes people to masturbate, which–as the good priest just mentioned–is a sin.
DR. PHIL: Well, that point is not clear, yet here you have a noted sex therapist saying it’s a normal thing to do. Would you agree, Jenna?
JENNA: Men the world over have been self-gratifying themselves to this (Stands up and shakes her breasts) and this (Shakes her ass) and might I mention that my new book goes on sale next week.
Randy squeals and squirms and abruptly turns his back.
The men in the audience become extremely aroused.
RANDY: Now stop it! I said stop it! Turn her off and shut her up! (Standing up averting his eyes from Jenna).
Jenna disappears from the screen.
STUART McCORMICK: They took Jenna!
GOOBACK: Mock Belleek Jenna!
TOWELIE: Bring back Jenna!
RANDY: (Turning to face the audience) People listen. The porn is the enemy. And people like her, Ms. Jameson, are part of the enemy. Let me tell you a true story. Before we had kids, my wife and I had sex all the time (The audience nods in agreement). But once we had kids, seems we couldn’t find the time to do it (More nodding). So I turned to the porn to relieve myself. My wife even encouraged it, buying me videos and magazine subscriptions, it was our dirty little secret (While Randy speaks we see images of Sharon giving Randy gifts at various Christmases in the past and Randy using the gifts over, and over, as time goes by). But then it dawned on me (A rooster crows). We don’t have time or any privacy to engage in our familial duty any more. And why is that?
STUART McCORMICK: I don’t friggin’ have a clue!
GOOBACK: Porn be seck?
TOWELIE: We want Jenna!
RANDY: I’ll tell you why, there is a very big enemy out there, a huge one! Corporations! Yeah, corporations! (Patriotic music plays in the background) They are locking our wives and loved ones away for 8-10 hours a day, usually between the hours of 9am-5pm, which is prime sexy time for me. You just can’t lock our wives away from us 40 hours a week! It’s inhumane!
More audience members nod their heads in agreement.
RANDY: So here’s what I propose. I say each and every company should have one or more rooms set aside specifically for conjugal visits!
A few good men in the audience cheer in agreement.
STUART McCORMICK: They took our wives!
GOOBACK: Smook knives keck be!
TOWELIE: Where the hell is Jenna?
DR. PHIL: Uh, Mr. Marsh, that’s what motels are for, right?
RANDY: Motels? Who needs the hassle? I say open up the sacred corporate halls and let’s get shagging! Are you with me? (A few cheers from the audience) Are you all going to sit here and let the best sexual days of our lives slide on by while our loved ones are locked away in offices the world over? Think of it men, from now on, every time we get the urge, instead of reaching for the old, reliable, evil, bewitching porn; instead, we can barge into the office, the hospital, the grocery store, the TV station…
As Randy streams off a laundry list of jobs, we see a montage of men bursting into their wives’ offices and having sex.
RANDY: …the gym, the police office, the morgue! I say we start demanding conjugal corporate visits! Imagine marching into the office, grabbing our wives by the vaginas, throwing them into the conjugal room, in broad daylight, and making passionate, exotic, patriotic, corporate love in triplicate! Are you with me? (The audience erupts in cheers) So I want everyone listening today to demand that each and every corporation, office, and company create rooms for conjugal visits so we, the men of this great country, can end this porn once and for all and get back to some serious flesh-on-flesh pounding!
The audience goes wild.
Afternoon. Outside Colorado State Courthouse. News 4 roving reporter on screen.
NEWS 4 REPORTER: Hi Tom, I’m standing outside the Colorado State Courthouse not wearing any underwear. I soiled my drawers after eating a chicken Chipotle burrito and forgot to bring my Chipotlaway. In other news, a young South Park child is defending his right to choke his neighbor’s chicken. Raymond Burr is the attorney for the plaintiff. Mr. Burr is seated in a wheelchair and we aren’t exactly sure if he is disabled, or trying to reprise his role as Ironsides, or reprising his role as Perry Mason from the vantage point of a disabled person, or just confused and mixing both roles together, Tom, or none of the above. More to follow. Back to you in the studio, Tom.
Inside shot of a nice courtroom, Judge Judy presiding, nice bright carpeting, and pew-like seating. Kyle, Stan, Jimmy, Butters, & Kenny are seated in the front row. Cartman sits alone behind a long wooden table.
Paul Rubens shows up hung over and sits down next to Cartman, who is all cleaned up and wearing a suit and tie.
CARTMAN: You smell like alcohol?
PAUL RUBENS: Scotch actually, but don’t worry. This is a cut and dry case. In fact, I can win this with my eyes shut.
CARTMAN: Why haven’t you responded to any of my phone calls or emails? Are you prepared?
PAUL RUBENS: To be honest, I haven’t looked at a thing, but don’t worry, this is pro bono and isn’t costing you a thing. And this case is a cinch to win. Just sit there and look innocent. Before too long, I’ll have them all eating out of my hands.
CARTMAN: You better have. I gave up my right to a free lawyer, to have you, a drunk psychologist, represent me. So you better get me off, or there will be hell to pay!
Perry Mason wheels into the courtroom looking stern, game face firmly on.
KYLE: Who’s that?
STAN: Some dude called Perry Mason, the newspaper says he’s never lost a case. Cartman’s screwed!
Cartman’s neighbor approaches the stand, is sworn in, and then sits down looking pissed off.
PAUL RUBENS: (Approaching the stand cockily) You do realize that you have scarred Mr. Cartman for life and he plans to press counter charges once this trial is over?
PERRY MASON: I object, your honor: badgering the witness.
JUDGE JUDY: Sustained, Mr. Rubens, please refrain from badgering.
PAUL RUBENS: Okay, let me be a little more direct. (Angrily) My client says that you have been abusing him! Have you?
NEIGHBOR: Me, what? How?
PAUL RUBENS: (Loosening his tie and getting in the neighbor’s face) Don’t play innocent with me.
NEIGHBOR: What are you smoking?
PAUL RUBENS: Have you ever tried to touch this child in any way, shape or form?
NEIGHBOR: What? No! Look, he tried to kill my rooster. Here’s a picture!
PAUL RUBENS: Let me see that (Ripping the picture out of the neighbor’s hand). Oh, oh, it’s a real chicken. (Suddenly very embarrassed) You have a real chicken!
JUDGE JUDY: Mr. Rubens, what’d you think we were talking about?
PAUL RUBENS: Your honor, I apologize. I did not think my client was speaking literally when he was going on about choking his neighbor’s chicken.
CARTMAN: (Standing up pissed off) It’s a god-damned rooster you imbecile! And that rooster is a menace; he’s been keeping me up all night crowing like a maniac! Your honor, my neighbor’s rooster has been disturbing the peace; I say you throw my neighbor in jail until he learns how to live in civilized society (Pounding the table)!
JUDGE JUDY: Order!
NEIGHBOR: Your honor, never once did anyone complain about Radcliff the Rooster until now. If Mr. Cartman had a problem, he should have come directly to me instead of taking matters into his own hands.
PAUL RUBENS: Your honor, ha, ha, may I approach the bench? (Whispering to the judge) I really blew it here, ha, ha; I thought the kid was choking his neighbor’s chicken, if you know what I mean. I prepared the wrong case, ha! So, uh, I’m out of here.
Mr. Rubens abruptly exits the court while the audience mumbles in speculation.
STUART McCORMICK: They took his lawyer!
GOOBACK: May mook mis moymer.
TOWELIE: Where the fuck is Jenna?
JUDGE JUDY: Mr. Cartman, your counsel has decided to quit. We can reschedule to another time or you can attempt to represent yourself in court.
CARTMAN: Fuck yeah! I mean, absolutely your honor!
JUDGE JUDY: Okay, let’s take a ten-minute recess so you can gather your thoughts.
After a short break, we return to the courtroom where Cartman’s neighbor is being interrogated by Cartman himself.
CARTMAN: (Confidently) So, what exactly did you see on the afternoon of the 11th?
NEIGHBOR: I saw you in the backyard choking Radcliff!
CARTMAN: I see. (He scratches his chin and paces the floor, then suddenly jumps at the witness) Had you been taking any hallucinogenics prior to said choking?
CARTMAN: Sleeping pills?
CARTMAN: Uppers, downers, cheesing your friggin’ brains out?
NEIGHBOR: No! No! And double no!
PERRY MASON: Your honor, I object! Where is this going?
CARTMAN: If I may, your honor, I’m just trying to establish my neighbor’s frame of mind prior to the choking; I mean, prior to the alleged choking.
JUDGE JUDY: Sustained. Mr. Cartman, get on with it!
CARTMAN: (Pleading) Your honor, we have yet to establish if Mr. Wippleman was wearing glasses or needing glasses, hard of hearing, an animal torturer, and/or a sexual predator!
JUDGE JUDY: Mr. Cartman!
CARTMAN: (Turning quickly to the neighbor) So, what exactly did you see that fateful afternoon?
NEIGHBOR: I saw you choking Radcliff!
CARTMAN: Feeding, I was feeding him! (Frustrated) Okay, next witness.
BALIFF: The court calls Leopold “Butters” Stotch to the stand.
Butters approaches the stand and is sworn in.
PERRY MASON: Mr. Stotch, may I call you Butters?
BUTTERS: Gee, you certainly may, Mr. Mason.
PERRY MASON: Good, Butters, (Perry slowly glides to the stand) did your friend Eric Cartman try to kill his neighbor’s beloved rooster? Remember, you’re under oath!
BUTTERS: Golly, gee, yes, Mr. Mason, he did.
CARTMAN: Butters you idiot!
PERRY MASON: Your witness.
CARTMAN: (Cartman calmly approaches the stand and runs his finger slowly along the mahogany frame) Okay, Butters, did you actually see me choke the neighbor’s rooster?
BUTTERS: No. But I did see you try to cram an Alka Seltzer down its throat!
CARTMAN: (Under his breath) Butters you fucking asswipe! (To the judge) Dismissed.
Cartman paces the courtroom floor trying to decide his next move. Suddenly, a thought emerges.
CARTMAN: Your honor, I’d like to call Satan to the stand.
Satan approaches the stand; the bailiff reads him his rights.
CARTMAN: (Under his breath) Satan, I’m in trouble here, and need your help (winking). (Loudly) Now, Mr. Satan, what would you do if you had a neighbor whose rooster crowed non-stop and kept you up at night?
SATAN: I’d go over there, take that rooster and make one nice bowl of soup out of it. Then I’d cut off my neighbor’s head and stir his head into the soup, roast his heart and then maybe I’d season it with…
CARTMAN: We get the picture. So, in your esteemed estimation, crowing roosters in a quiet neighborhood are a crime against humanity.
CARTMAN: Thank you Satan, your witness Mr. Mason.
PERRY MASON: (Confidentially approaching the stand) So, Satan, you don’t take kindly to noisy roosters, do you?
SATAN: I don’t take kindly to people disturbing my peace.
PERRY MASON: Oh, I see, you don’t like people bothering you.
PERRY MASON: So if someone came over, let’s say, and tried to kill one of your beloved demons, what would you do?
SATAN: Oh, believe me, no one would be that stupid, and demons are already dead so no sense killing them again, ha, ha.
PERRY MASON: Well, work with me here, assuming they weren’t dead, and you had a favorite, I’m sure you don’t play favorites, but if you did, and someone, a friend or neighbor, tried to kill your most beloved demon, what would you do?
SATAN: Oh wow, I get it, that’s like so uncool! I guess I’d first take their eyeballs out of their sockets and…
Jumping ahead in the trial to Jesus on the stand being interrogated by Cartman.
CARTMAN: So Jesus, let me paraphrase here: Be kind to your neighbor and don’t fucking, sorry your honor, don’t f’ing wake them up with loud obnoxious animals!
JESUS: Sort of.
CARTMAN: Thank you, your witness.
BUTTERS: Holy hot dogs with relish, Eric is maybe going to win! Wouldn’t that be great!
KYLE: No way, he’s going to get tripped up, just you wait.
Perry Mason approaches Jesus.
PERRY MASON: So, Jesus, do you believe in doing unto others as they would do unto you?
PERRY MASON: Is choking your neighbor’s beloved rooster a very neighborly thing to do?
JESUS: Absolutely not!
PERRY MASON: Is Mr. Cartman guilty of attempted rooster murder?
CARTMAN: (Stunned) Jesus, you sold me out!
PERRY MASON: Next witness, please.
BALIFF: Would Mr. Eric Cartman approach the stand, please.
CARTMAN: (Under his breath) Oh shit!
Eric walks to the stand and calmly sits down, crosses his arms, and glares at Perry; the bailiff swears him in.
PERRY MASON: Son, have you ever lied before?
CARTMAN: Of course, who hasn’t?
PERRY MASON: Have you ever lied to your parents, your teachers, to the police?
CARTMAN: Yeah, what of it?
PERRY MASON: Have you ever tried to take matters into your own hands to avoid conflict?
CARTMAN: Well, yes, I have. I’m kind of a go-getter that way.
PERRY MASON: Have you ever thought about the consequences of your actions?
CARTMAN: Sure. (To the judge in a sweet voice) Your honor, can you please tell Mr. Mason to get to the point already!
PERRY MASON: In due time. Now, if you had a rooster that crowed often or a dog that barked frequently and bothered your neighbors, what would you do?
CARTMAN: Mr. Mason, I’d apologize profusely to my neighbors and get rid of the offending animal once and for all.
PERRY MASON: (Yelling at the top of his lungs right in Cartman’s face) THEN WHY DID YOU TRY TO KILL YOUR NEIGHBOR’S BELOVED ROOSTER?
CARTMAN: BECAUSE IT WAS DRIVING ME INSANE WITH ITS INCESSANT CROWING!!! (Cartman immediately covers his mouth) Oops!
KYLE: (To Stan) He’s buried!
©Copyright Hillel Groovatti, all rights reserved.
End of part II. Read part III.
Hillel Groovatti is the author of “Totally Losing Face and Other Stories”.