Series Premiere Title: “Don’t Get Mad, Call Chad”
by Hillel Groovatti
Description: The gang returns in this exciting continuation of the epic Breaking Bad series.
*Spoiler alert, please watch the original Breaking Bad series before reading this!
Las Vegas, Nevada, present day, late evening.
On a warm, clear night, an empty suburban street appears. Stars are out as far as the eye can see. A gentle desert breeze blows. It is very peaceful, until, ZOOM! A massive stretch limo comes barreling down the street and runs a flashing red light. The limo takes a corner hard and loses a hubcap as loud music blares out of the limo.
Cut to a huge suburban apartment complex with nicely manicured lawns, a swimming pool, barbecue pits, and a volleyball court.
A dog barks in the distance as TV screens glow in the numerous rows of windows. An SUV pulls up; a beautiful pair of legs gets out of the vehicle and walks up a concrete pathway. The woman’s red high-heel shoes sparkle as she walks. She is a statuesque blonde with very, very long legs.
The woman ascends an outdoor staircase that overlooks a large swimming pool. In the background, the bright casino lights of Las Vegas glow in the distance.
The woman enters an apartment, which is a modest two-bedroom place, sparsely decorated. A pair of hairy legs with dirty white socks is resting on a cluttered coffee table. It’s a man watching a movie. Playing on screen is a scene from the movie Jaws. “We’re gonna need a bigger boat,” says the Roy Scheider character Martin Brody.
WOMAN: Hey, honey.
The woman closes the door, tosses her bag and keys on a chair near the entrance, and squeezes the man’s toes as she walks by.
The man is smoking a bong. He holds up his hand and waves hello as he inhales a hit of weed.
The limo continues racing through the streets. It’s going 70mph in a 45mph zone. The driver grips the wheel tightly as he negotiates another turn.
Back at the apartment, the woman goes into the kitchen and begins pouring herself a cocktail. In the background, the man is cutting a pile of cocaine on the coffee table in the living room.
The camera only shows the back of the man’s head; he is wearing a beanie. He carefully draws a line of coke onto the glass-covered coffee table.
WOMAN: (To the man) So this new redheaded dancer, Jane, I think I told you about her before, the biggest fucking klutz! She ran into me today during practice and I fell down almost breaking my fucking neck, the stupid cow!
The woman kicks off her shoes and they fly into the corner of the kitchen.
WOMAN: (Yelling) We are wearing ten-inch heels! You can’t fucking run into people, learn the fucking routine already!
She opens the fridge and puts ice into her drink. She takes off her dress and tosses it over a chair.
WOMAN: (Continues) She was like, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” I bet she fucking did it on purpose; I wouldn’t put it past her. She wants to put me in the hospital so her friend can take my place. Believe me, it happens all the fucking time!
She takes off her bra and tosses it on the kitchen table.
The limo continues racing through the empty streets. In the passenger seat, a person hangs on tightly as the limo high-tails it down residential streets.
In the back seat of the limo, two naked bodies flop around unconsciously. The mini refrigerator has opened up. Bottles, cans, and glasses are rolling around on the ground as the driver negotiates yet another rough turn.
Back at the apartment, the woman is now topless and wearing a black G-string. She walks towards the man while holding a drink in one hand. She sits on the guy’s lap and starts grinding.
The man pours cocaine on the woman’s amazingly fake breasts and snorts a line using a rolled up $100.00 bill as a straw. We see the coke going up the makeshift straw and into the guy’s nose. He leans back onto the sofa revealing his face for the first time. It’s Jesse Pinkman looking up at his hot girlfriend and suddenly very aroused.
JESSE: Yo, let’s fuck!
The limo makes a hard left into an apartment complex, drives to an empty area of the parking lot, and spins a 180. Another hubcap goes flying. Two guys jump out of the limo and run over a grassy knoll, past a volleyball court, and around a swimming pool to a staircase.
In the apartment, Jesse is fucking his girlfriend, Melinda, on the sofa and watching the shark movie out of the corner of his eye.
MELINDA: Baby, you ever think about marriage and having a family?
Jesse stops fucking for a second and eyes her suspiciously.
Badger and Skinny Pete suddenly barge in to Jesse’s apartment. Melinda yells and runs into the back room.
JESSE: Yo, bitches, don’t you fucking know how to knock?
BADGER: Get dressed, Jesse! We need your help!
JESSE: What the fuck, over?
BADGER: Get fucking dressed, now! We’ve got a situation! A major-league situation!
SKINNY PETE: (Checking out Jesse’s junk) Dude, seriously, no condom? Come on, bro!
Jesse gives Skinny Pete a look, then reluctantly gets dressed.
Three months earlier.
It’s a super hot summer’s day in Las Vegas, dry to the bone, no breeze. A beat-up BMW with a Nebraska license plate drives into an old apartment complex. The BMW is towing a small U-Haul trailer.
The car parks and a pair of hairy legs wearing old Bermuda shorts and flip-flops gets out. A small Chihuahua jumps out too.
Saul Goodman squints in the hot sun looking a little worse for wear.
SAUL: (Talking to his dog) Well, Chiclette, we made it to “Lost Wages” and just as advertised, it’s hotter than hell!
Chiclette runs into the shade.
After signing a short-term lease, Saul walks into a small, bare-bones, one-bedroom apartment. He is carrying a few boxes and puts them down, then wipes his sweaty brow. He looks around for Chiclette.
Saul goes downstairs and sees Chiclette at the bottom of the stairwell; she is afraid to go up the stairs.
SAUL: (To Chiclette in baby talk) There you are! What’s the matter? Widdle Chicwette’s wegs won’t go up the widdle stairs?
Saul picks up Chiclette and carries her up the first flight of stairs to the second story and puts her down. Chiclette sniffs around.
A few hours later, Saul moves the last of his boxes into the apartment; he is dripping wet with sweat.
SAUL: (To Chiclette, exhausted) There now, it’s not so bad, once you get a few things inside and crank the air conditioner.
Chiclette pisses on the carpet.
SAUL: (Continues) Atta girl, gotta break it in, doncha? Mark your territory, that’s what I gotta do too (goes to the bathroom and lifts up the toilet seat with his foot).
After cleaning up Chiclette’s mess, Saul opens up two lawn chairs and sets them in the living room. Chiclette happily jumps on one and makes herself comfortable. Saul opens up a cooler and cracks open a cold beer. He makes himself comfortable in the available lawn chair and looks around the sparse apartment.
SAUL: (To Chiclette) Still a lot to do Babycakes, but this is just a starting base. Nowhere to go but up, right?
SAUL: (Continues) Are we going to get laid here a lot or what? (Petting Chiclette) Yes, we are and we are going to rock this town, right?
Chiclette wags her tail in agreement.
Saul picks up a local newspaper that he bought earlier and reads the headline: “Las Vegas Economy Worse Than a Third World Country.”
SAUL: (Continues) Do you see that snookums? The economy here is in the proverbial crapper. Bad news, this may be a very quick stay!
Start video montage edited to the beat of “Too Much Time on my Hands” by Styx.
The following morning, Saul arranges items in his apartment, hangs up diplomas, looks at furniture ads posted on Craig’s List, and calls friends. No one seems to have the means or willingness to help him find a job at the moment.
In the afternoon, Saul goes to a copy center and prints up business cards. Afterwards, he goes to a bookstore and buys a thick Nevada Bar Association practice test book.
He goes to Home Depot and buys a folding table that he’ll use as a desk. Chiclette is in his shopping cart enjoying the ride. He also buys a big desk chair and eyes a hammock, then throws it into his pushcart.
Saul goes to a pet store and buys a few new dog toys and some dog food. He smiles at a few female customers in the store, but doesn’t feel confident enough to talk to them yet. He seems to have lost his swag.
He goes to an In-and-Out drive-thru and orders a meal, then eats it at home on his hammock.
At night, the apartment seems dark and lonely. Saul masturbates to a porn site on his phone while laying down in a sleeping bag. Afterwards he watches videos online, then falls asleep next to Chiclette.
The following morning, Saul is up bright and early. He calls furniture ads that he looked at previously. In the afternoon, a bed and sofa arrive. He helps the movers bring the furniture into his apartment.
In the late afternoon, Saul goes into a coffee shop dressed in tight 1980s shorts and has a sweatband on his head. He thinks he looks like a young John McEnroe; instead, he looks fairly disheveled. He smiles at a few of the female customers, but they don’t want to have anything to do with him. He shrugs it off.
Back home, he struggles to set up his new furniture, but eventually gets it done. Afterwards, he leafs through the Nevada Bar book, but opts for a novel instead. He goes out to the balcony to lie on his hammock, read a book, and drink a beer just as the sun’s going down. Chiclette jumps in the hammock with him.
Both Saul and Chiclette fall right to sleep in the hammock.
End of video montage.
The phone rings. Saul jumps out of his hammock and rushes around his apartment trying to find the ringing phone. He has a bunch of old phones lying around. He grabs several before he finally locates the correct phone in a box full of books.
VICTOR: Saul, this is your old friend Victor Ramaros returning your call.
SAUL: Oh, hey Victor, thanks for getting back to me, buddy!
VICTOR: You picked a real shitty time to come to Vegas. Not a lot of work right now, unless you’re into growing or selling weed.
SAUL: Ha, not at the moment. But I got news for ya, Vic. It’s tough everywhere.
VICTOR: Damn straight! However, your old buddy Victor might have something for you. I’ve got a friend that runs a dealer school. After you learn, then my buddy will place you at a casino. Tourism is really up because of the legalization or weed!
SAUL: Oh really? A dealer school as in blackjack?
VICTOR: Ha, yes, dealing cards, not drugs! The next class starts soon.
SAUL: That’s great. How long does it take and, more importantly, how much does it cost?
VICTOR: If you go full time, you can be done in about a week, and it’s not too expensive.
SAUL: It takes only a week, that’s great! But I’m kind of hurting for cash right now. Can you give your old buddy, Saul, ha, ha, a discount? You know times are tough!
VICTOR: You’ve helped me out on several occasions, so you throw in whatever you can afford and I’ll make up the difference. I’ll text you the details. Next class starts on Monday at 9:00 a.m., don’t be late!
SAUL: Really? All right! I’ll be there bright and early on Monday!
Saul puts down the phone and dances around a bit.
SAUL: (To Chiclette) See that, Chiclette, it pays to know someone. Old Victor will give me a discount at his buddy’s dealer school and they’ll help me find a dealer job! We might do okay after all!
Start next video montage played to the theme from the movie Rocky.
The very next morning Saul is raring to go. He is suddenly motivated again and has a bit of a smile on his face.
Saul goes for a jog, but doesn’t go very far before hacking and giving up exhausted. That afternoon, the apartment is starting to look better. Saul is ironing his clothes and watching TV on a new flat screen. He puts up some fake pillars next to the TV, similar to what he had in his Albuquerque office.
The following week, Saul goes through the Nevada State Gaming School entrance and meets his classmates waiting in the lobby; then they start class.
Ten students stand at individual blackjack tables and practice dealing to other students. Saul cracks jokes to everyone and they give him a courtesy laugh. He slowly learns the ropes from shuffling to pitching cards, card placement, chip payouts, and correctly picking up played cards.
At various stages, he makes mistakes and is corrected by his teachers. Saul accidentally pitches cards off the table. He shuffles cards incorrectly. He squeezes the deck too tightly and the cards get soggy and bent. He doesn’t cut into the chips to properly make payouts. In addition, he pays out too much, then pays out too little, and also forgets to make payouts. Each time he makes a mistake, he’s a bit frustrated, but takes it in stride with a smile on his face.
Towards the end of the week, he’s shuffling cards, pitching cards, and cutting into chips like a pro. He’s very happy with his progress, as are his teachers.
Finally, the week is over and the students have a graduation party at a pizza place. Saul’s friend, Victor, shakes Saul’s hand to congratulate him. The newly minted dealers all put up their glasses and toast each other.
End of second video montage.
Three big guys bust out of the side entrance of a crowded ritzy-titzy titty bar in downtown Las Vegas. Following close behind is a man with a jacket over his head and four hot titty dancers. A few paparazzi photographers snap some shots in the background as a big black limo pulls up.
The entire gang jumps into the back of the limo. The man with the coat pokes his head through and looks around. It’s Justin Bieber along with three huge bodyguards and four incredibly well proportioned titty dancers.
JUSTIN: Did we make it?
BODYGUARD ONE: The coast is clear.
JUSTIN: Excellent! Now, come here ladies and let me inspect the merchandise!
Justin buries his head into the cleavage of each titty dancer: a blonde, a redhead, a brunette, and a black-haired Asian woman.
He sits back in the limo seat with two girls under each arm.
JUSTIN: Now ladies, what would you like to do tonight?
THE BLONDE: Whatever you’d like to do.
The girls agree in unison.
JUSTIN: We could go back to my suite and, you know, see what happens.
JUSTIN: Alrighty then! Let’s get this mofo started!
Justin cranks the tunes, cracks open a bottle of champagne, pours everyone a glass, and they all drink. One of his songs, “Baby”, starts to play and he yells and kicks wildly with excitement. Accidentally, he kicks the interior light out on the ceiling of the limo.
The limo immediately pulls over into a bland strip mall and parks. We see the music being tuned down by the limo driver’s hand.
The glass separating the driver and the group in back slowly descends.
BODYGUARD TWO: This better be good.
JUSTIN: Yo man, what the fuck, let’s get rolling!
The limo driver turns his head back to the partiers. It’s Badger wearing a suit and a chauffeur’s hat.
BADGER: Look asshole, I don’t care who the fuck you are! Do not, I repeat, do NOT fuck with my limo! Got it!
JUSTIN: Don’t get your panties up in a wad, okay! I’ll pay for it, ‘aight?
BADGER: It’s not about the money, okay? Just respect other people’s property.
Justin gives everyone a look like Badger is crazy, then he nods to his most trusted bodyguard, 2Ton.
JUSTIN: Look, chill, ‘K? 2Ton will pay for it, right, 2Ton?
2TON: You know it!
JUSTIN: ‘Aight, let’s keep this party rolling!
The camera pans down and 2Ton’s massaging Justin’s feet.
A week earlier.
A beautiful couple walks arm-in-arm onto the casino floor of a posh Vegas casino. They pass a table and the camera shoots the back of a balding male dealer’s head.
We see a blackjack table from the point of view of the dealer. A forty-something woman stunningly dressed is drunk off her ass and trying her best to gamble and look sophisticated. She has no idea what she’s doing and is struggling to decide if she should take a hit on eleven.
GAMBLING WOMAN: I don’t want to bust you know.
The camera zooms in on the dealer; it’s Saul Goodman. He looks very perturbed at the woman.
SAUL: Look, Missy, you’ve got eleven! I highly recommend that you take a hit!
GAMBLING WOMAN: Oh, I don’t know!
Reluctantly she half-heatedly scratches for a card. Saul gives her a ten.
GAMBLING WOMAN: No, I didn’t want a hit!
SAUL: Hello, it’s a 21! You have 21!
GAMBLING WOMAN: But I didn’t want a hit!
SAUL: Listen, 21 is good, over 21 is bad.
Saul turns over his hole card and reveals a 20.
SAUL: Look, are you happy? You beat me. You win and I give you money in the form of chips. Now you have more chips than before, get it?
GAMBLING WOMAN: I really don’t like your attitude, young man! I’m going to report you to the FBI.
The woman gets out of her seat and drunkenly walks away.
SAUL: Oh don’t you young man me! And you do that, you call the FBI! (Looking down, noticing that her chips are still on the table) But hey, your chips!
Saul signals to the pit boss behind him. The pit boss grabs the woman’s chips and runs after her. Saul shakes his head and clears the cards on the table. As he puts the cards in the discard holder (more commonly known as “the shoe”) a rolled-up hundred-dollar bill lands on the table. Saul looks at the hundred and then looks up at the customer—it’s Jesse Pinkman.
Saul is a bit confused, but trying to keep his composure. Is Jesse after him or is this just a random event? Saul shows his hands to the cameras and then brushes his hair back as he nonchalantly looks around uncomfortably to see if anyone is with Jesse. He extends his hand.
JESSE: (Shaking Saul’s hand) What up, bitch?
Jesse eases into a chair and glances at Saul’s name badge: It says “Chad, from Wyoming”.
JESSE: Or should I say, “Chad”?
SAUL: Well, well, well, look what the cat drug in? (To his pit boss) Breaking one hundred. (To Jesse, trying to appear calm) I’m not even going to ask where this bill has been. Honestly, they should issue gloves with this job!
JESSE: Ha! You really don’t want to know where that bill has been.
SAUL: Ha! (Still looking around uncomfortably) So, to what do I owe this pleasure?
JESSE: I moved here a few months ago, got a girl dancing in a show, so some nights I come here to play while I wait for her to end her shift.
Saul gives Jesse one hundred in chips.
SAUL: That right? Dancer, as in showgirl? Circ De Soleil?
JESSE: She’s a dancer working with some singing hack, something New-town.
SAUL: Uh, that would be Mr. Wayne Newton as in the guy who owns half of Vegas!
SAUL: “Whatever,” he says. Listen, failure to know important people in this city will get you nowhere. In any event, is your girlfriend hot?
Jesse bets twenty-five dollars in chips.
JESSE: Ha! Of course she is, and she’s in amazing fucking shape!
Jesse looks up at Saul and motions for Saul to deal his cards.
JESSE: (Smiling and loving the fact that he can order Saul around) Deal, bitch!
Saul begins to deal, but still doesn’t quite believe that Jesse is just randomly in the same Las Vegas casino that he works at and by some amazing stretch of the imagination Jesse now has a girlfriend that works at the very same casino that he does. Saul decides to play it cool and relaxes a bit.
JESSE: So what brings you out here?
Saul’s up card is an eight. Jesse has two cards totaling twenty and stays. Saul has a ten in the hole and has to stay on eighteen. He pays out twenty-five dollars in chips.
Jesse lets the fifty dollars ride.
SAUL: Long story short kid, I was in BF Nebraska, lying low, bored out of my mind selling car insurance for some douche bag.
Saul deals again. Jesse gets two cards totaling twelve with the dealer showing a ten.
Jesse takes a hit to nineteen.
SAUL: (Continues) I waited till things cooled down a bit, then headed out here. Just trying to keep a low profile at the moment, trying to stay busy, stay out of trouble, and make some connections.
JESSE: So you’re dealing in a major casino hoping no one will see you?
SAUL: Yeah, it’s obviously working. Been working here a few months and run into you. What are odds?
Saul turns over a six in the hole for a total of sixteen. He takes a hit and busts.
SAUL: The plan is to hide in plain sight, but keep a low profile. No more commercials and advertising. Hell, I haven’t even started studying for the Nevada State Bar! I’m just going to start slowly, regroup, and, when the time is right, choose good clients. No more ambulance chasers and lowlifes!
JESSE: Who you calling lowlife?
SAUL: Present company excluded, of course.
JESSE: Ha, I’m just giving you a hard time.
Saul pays out fifty dollars in chips.
Jesse lets the hundred ride.
JESSE: Yo, so uh, you going to get back into, you know, legal shit?
SAUL: Legal shit! That’s a good term, kid. Seems that’s all I ever did was help people get out of legal shit. Knee deep sometimes!
Jesse gets two cards totaling ten with the dealer showing a three. Jesse double’s down by throwing another hundred-dollar bill on the table.
SAUL: (Shouting to the pit) Money plays.
JESSE: Neck deep too! Seriously though, listen, I never said it before, but you know, you really saved my ass on numerous occasions!
SAUL: Well, you’re welcome, kid. That’s what I used to do—help normal people with big problems.
Saul gives Jesse an ace.
JESSE: (Reacting to the card) An ace, nice!
Saul turns over a ten in the hole for a total of thirteen. He takes a hit to twenty. Jesse wins.
JESSE: (Reacting to the win) That’s what I’m talking about!
Saul pays out two hundred in chips and converts Jesse’s hundred-dollar bill to chips.
Jesse isn’t sure if he should let it all ride or take some back.
SAUL: But where did helping people get me? I was assaulted on numerous occasions, including several times by yours truly. I had a gun pulled on me so many times, you’d think I was Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid!
JESSE: Great fucking movie!
SAUL: Redford and Newman in their prime.
JESSE: (Snaps his fingers trying to figure something out) What was that other movie they starred together in?
SAUL: Deep Throat?
JESSE: What? Get out of here; they weren’t in that!
SAUL: Watch the bit players next time you see it. Both guys make cameos in that movie.
JESSE: You’re so full of shit!
SAUL: Ha! Just joshing you, kid. The movie you’re thinking of is The Sting.
JESSE: Yes! Badass fucking movie! And the music in that flick was awesome too!
SAUL: That would be Ragtime; and yes, it has a great soundtrack. And you know that guy who played Doyle Lonnegan in The Sting? Robert Shaw? He’s a great actor; he also played in Jaws.
JESSE: Never seen it.
SAUL: You’ve never seen Jaws? Go home and download it! I command thee! It’s an incredible movie! (Glancing behind at his pit boss, who’s starring at him implying that Saul should be dealing more and chatting less) Hey sir (Winking at Jesse ), are you gonna bet or what?
JESSE: Oh, sorry.
Jesse bets two hundred.
Saul gives Jesse two cards totaling sixteen and has a five showing.
Jesse stays on sixteen and lights a cigarette.
Saul flips over an ace in the hole for a soft sixteen. He draws a six to make it twelve, followed by a ten. Saul busts and pays out two hundred.
JESSE: Nice! Let it ride, bitch!
Jesse adjusts all four hundred in chips in his betting circle.
SAUL: Look, I’ve got no wife or family, most of my savings are gone, and I’m on the lam, terrified to answer the door or the phone. So that’s where I’m at.
Saul deals Jesse two cards totaling eleven while Saul shows an eight.
Jesse decides to double down. He puts out two hundred dollars in chips and lays down two hundred dollars in bills.
SAUL: (Shouting to the pit) Money plays.
Jesse gets one card, an eight, and has to stay on nineteen.
Saul flips over a ten in the hole and stays at eighteen.
JESSE: Yeah, bitch, keep it coming!
Saul pays out eight hundred in chips and converts Jesse’s bills to chips.
Jesse lets all sixteen hundred ride.
Saul deals Jesse an ace and a seven and has a four showing.
Jesse ponders his cards.
JESSE: Can I double down on this?
Jesse shows Saul his soft eighteen.
SAUL: Absolutely and highly recommended with a bust card showing. When you play with the shoe, as opposed to single or double deck, you can double down on any two cards.
Jesse decides against it.
JESSE: I’ll just stay.
Saul flips over a ten in the hole for a total of fourteen. He hits a three and stays on seventeen.
SAUL: Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
JESSE: Damn, should have listened to you!
Saul pays out sixteen hundred dollars in chips.
Jesse lets all thirty-two hundred ride.
JESSE: So whatever happened to that Tool guy?
The drink lady shows up. Saul eyeballs Jesse, still surprised that of all the casinos in Vegas, he chooses the one he’s working at.
SAUL: (To himself) Is he wearing a wire and working with the Feds? (Looking closely) Nah, he’s way too relaxed to be wearing a wire. The damage is done; it’s over, nothing to worry about. He just randomly appeared. That’s it. The universe works in mysterious ways.
JESSE: I’ll have a Makers on ice.
COCKTAIL WAITRESS: One Makers Mark on ice, coming right up.
SAUL: You mean Huell, not Tool. He’s here in Vegas, followed me out. He’s bouncing now at Le Broads; it’s a new gentleman’s club.
Saul deals Jesse two cards totaling six and has a ten showing.
JESSE: Sounds chic.
SAUL: Ha, about as chic as a hand-job by a rodeo clown.
JESSE: Ha! (Looking at his two cards totaling six) Hit that, bitch!
Saul gives Jesse a ten. He now has sixteen.
JESSE: Ah shit! Hit it again (Covers his eyes with his hand; then peeks through his fingers).
Jesse squirms as Saul gives him a four.
Jesse now has twenty.
Saul flips over a nine in the hole and stays on nineteen.
JESSE: Hell yeah!
Saul pays out thirty-two hundred.
Jesse lets the sixty-four hundred ride.
JESSE: What about that bitch of a secretary you had working for you?
Saul deals Jesse a pair of fives with a ten showing.
SAUL: Boobs R Us? (Looking around covertly and then leaning in) Man, between you and me, she gave the greatest blowjobs! Unfortunately, she’s married and decided to stay in Albuquerque. So, if you know anyone, I may be looking for a part-time secretary in the near future.
JESSE: I can see the job description now: Must be good at hiding money, dealing with assholes, and giving blowjobs especially well!
SAUL: Ha, you forgot stretching the truth exceptionally well. That’s probably the most important aspect of the job.
JESSE: Ha! (Pondering his cards) Hey, what am I supposed to do here, split the fives or double down?
SAUL: You never want to split fives, but with a ten showing you don’t want to double-down either.
JESSE: So just take a hit?
SAUL: That would be advisable.
Jesse scratches the table for a hit.
Saul deals Jesse an ace.
Jesse now has twenty-one.
SAUL: Wrong game hotshot.
Saul flips over a queen in the hole and stays on twenty. Saul gives Jesse sixty-four hundred dollars in chips.
Getting nervous from so much money on the table, Jesse pulls back seven thousand eight hundred and leaves five thousand in the betting circle.
JESSE: So how much you get paid to deal?
Saul deals Jesse a blackjack, then reveals his own hand and has a fifteen.
JESSE: Motherfucknut! Pulled out too late!
SAUL: That’s what she said!
Blackjack pays one-and-a-half times the bet. Saul pays Jesse seven thousand five hundred and Jesse lets the twelve thousand five hundred ride.
SAUL: If I’m lucky, I get one hundred bucks a day in tips. I’m not bankrolling it by any stretch, but as I said, I’m just doing this to pass the time, keep my nose clean, and meet potential clients. I’m not going to make a permanent career out of dealing, that’s for sure!
Saul deals Jesse two cards totaling twenty and has a ten showing. The red cut card also comes out meaning he’ll have to shuffle the cards after this hand.
JESSE: Damn, shuffling already, yo! That was an amazing shoe!
Saul flips over a ten in the hole and stays on twenty. Both hands have the same amount, which is a tie or a “push” and nobody wins.
Saul picks up the old deck of cards and puts them in an automatic shuffler. After removing a mound of freshly shuffled cards, Saul straightens them on the shoe.
JESSE: Is blackjack on the level? I mean, is it fixed?
SAUL: (Looking around and whispering) Of course it’s rigged! Blackjack is for idiots and pussies, no offense! Poker’s a real man’s game. Think about it, if I bust and you bust, I take your money. Shouldn’t it be a push? Not according to the casino. And that’s why, over a long enough time period, the casino ends up chump-changing enough customers to line the pockets of a few select executives. And those, my friend, are the people I want to be defending someday.
Saul hands Jesse the red cut card.
Jesse cuts the massive deck.
Saul drags the cards behind the red cut card in front of the deck and straightens out the cards against the shoe. Saul re-inserts the red cut card about two-thirds of the way down the massive deck and gently puts the mound of cards into the empty shoe.
SAUL: (Continues) But on the other hand, blackjack is a lot like life. When you get on a lucky streak, ride it out. When things don’t go your way, change dealers. Or quit while you’re ahead. Or play two hands.
The pit boss arrives.
PIT BOSS: (To Jesse) Sir, are you in our membership club?
JESSE: (Pulling out his membership card) Indeed I am.
PIT BOSS: (Grabbing the card) Thank you, I’ll credit your account.
JESSE: Thank you, and can you get that cocktail waitress over here, pronto!
PIT BOSS: Sure thing (goes to a telephone in the pit).
SAUL: So, anyhoo, what are you doing out here, really?
JESSE: I had to get the fuck out of dodge. Too many painful memories, too much bad shit gone down. I really needed a fresh start. So I came here, started taking a few art classes at community college to pass the time, and opened up a comic book store.
SAUL: Comic books as in Superman and Spiderman?
JESSE: Exactly! I’ve got collector editions, new shit, board games, software to create your own comics, and I even sell knick-knacks like T-shirts and mugs and shit.
Jesse bets a thousand in chips.
Saul deals Jesse a pair of eights with a nine showing.
SAUL: No shit! Let me ask you, what’s the best-selling comic book?
JESSE: (Looking at his hand) Split the eights, right?
SAUL: Always split aces and eights.
Jesse splits the eights and doubles his bet. He gets a ten on the first eight for a total of eighteen, and gets a three on the second hand for a total of eleven.
JESSE: I’ll stay on the eighteen and double-down on the eleven, right?
SAUL: That’s the smart play.
Saul gives Jesse a six on the hand that he’s doubling down on for a total of seventeen. Saul flips over an eight in the hole and stays on seventeen.
SAUL: One push and one win, not too shabby.
Saul pays out one thousand in chips for the hand that had eighteen.
JESSE: Best-selling comic book of all time? Probably X-Men #1. That comic is very popular now. They printed a shit-ton of special edition copies in the 90s and collectors ate ’em up.
The cocktail waitress shows up with Jesse’s Makers.
COCKTAIL WAITRESS: (Placing the drink down) Here you go, honey.
JESSE: (Tipping her a twenty-five-dollar chip) Thank you, darling.
COCKTAIL WAITRESS: Thank you!
SAUL: (Watching the cocktail waitress’s ass as she leaves) And what does a first edition Superman run for?
JESSE: It depends on the condition, obviously, but mint condition first edition Superman comic books are selling for more than a million nowadays.
SAUL: Fuck me! That’s an amazing way to hide money! Just buy a bunch of old comic books from some collector and claim your grandpa gave them to you or better yet, say you bought them years ago, at a garage sale. Brilliant! (Suddenly realizing that Jesse may be hiding his money by buying comic books) Wait a minute, are you, you know?
JESSE: (Nodding and smiling) Always thinking how to hide money, aren’t you!
SAUL: (Pointing to his head) Well, you gotta keep the old noodle in shape.
JESSE: Ha, is that what you call it?
SAUL: (Looking at his crotch) No, I call that one Mr. Lonely.
JESSE: Ha! Every dog has its day.
SAUL: Oh, he’s had a few good years, don’t get me wrong.
JESSE: (Smiling) Hey, didn’t mean to pry.
Jesse has four thousand in chips scattered on the table and Saul nods for him to make a bet. Jesse looks up at Saul and finally asks the question he’s been wanting to ask since he sat down.
JESSE: You ever think of him (Referring to Heisenberg)?
SAUL: (Taking a deep breath) Not a day goes by that I don’t curse him. I had a good thing going, kid, and like Miley Cyrus says, “He came in like a wrecking ball” and fucked up my life! I should have walked away the moment you assholes pulled a gun on me.
Jesse becomes overwhelmed just thinking about Heisenberg and starts tearing up.
SAUL: (Continues) Come on, kid; don’t shed a tear for that monster!
JESSE: You know he saved my life, right?
SAUL: No shit? When? How? I remember reading the news about his death; I was halfway to Lincoln when I heard about it. No one mentioned a thing about you, though. Seems like you got off Scott Free! And from what I read, it ended like a freaking Quentin Tarantino movie!
JESSE: Yes, very Tarantino-esque. (Trying to compose himself) Well, here’s how it went down. (Wiping his eyes) You remember Todd and his uncle?
SAUL: I’m trying to forget!
JESSE: Yeah right! Well, Todd and the other Hitler youth kidnapped me and literally chained me up and had me cooking practically 24/7 for fucking months!
SAUL: Jesus! That must have been horrible!
JESSE: You have no fucking idea! And once I tried to escape, (tearing up) they caught me. (Shaking) And to put me in my place, I guess, that motherfucker, Todd, drove me to Andrea’s house–she was my girlfriend at the time–and he fucking shot her, point blank, in the head! (Overwhelmed) Right in front of me!!!
SAUL: Oh my god! Kid, I’m so sorry!
JESSE: (Regaining his composure) I was close to killing myself so many times after that, but the only thing that kept me going was her son, Brock. He’s a good kid! (Smiling through tears) And she was a great lady, put up with my shit!
SAUL: (Shaking his head) So, what finally happened at that Neo-Nazi death camp?
JESSE: (Trying to pull himself together) Right, so, you-know-who shows up: Heisenberg himself. The Nazi’s take one look at him and wanna kill him. He’s pitching some bullshit about being able to cheaply make meth. They ain’t buying it. Next thing I know, he jumps on top of me, presses a button on his key chain and the fucking Guns of Navarone arrive and mow everyone down. He jerry-rigged a massive sub-machine gun to automatically start shooting when he pressed the button on his key chain. It was fucking insane! Bullets flying everywhere and bodies dropping like flies!
SAUL: I read about that! It was masterful!
JESSE: It was unreal! Surreal! So loud! It was like being in real combat!
SAUL: Then what, you shot him?
JESSE: (Remorsefully) Nah, he wanted me to. But by then, I was done with the killing, done with the lies, and the manipulation. Plus, I could see that he got shot from a ricocheted bullet and was blending badly. I grabbed someone’s car keys, left him for dead, and high-tailed it out of there!
SAUL: Best thing you could have done!
JESSE: (Sniffling) You, you know what? I loved him like a father. Ha, I hated his guts half the time, and we fought like alley cats, but really, he was the dad I wished I had had!
Jesse tries to hold back his tears.
The pit boss shows up wondering why Saul isn’t dealing the cards.
PIT BOSS: (Returning Jesse’s membership card) Everything okay over here?
SAUL: Absolutely. This gentleman has just won a lot of our money and is tickled pink about it. I suggest that we comp him a nice room, (winks at his pit boss) so he can stick around and we can win back our money.
PIT BOSS: I’ll look into that.
The Pit boss goes to a computer in the pit and starts typing.
Melinda, Jesse’s girlfriend, walks up. She just finished performing at a show.
MELINDA: (Wiping away Jesse’s tears) Baby, are you okay?
SAUL: He’s fine! He’s winning so much money he doesn’t know what to do with himself!
MELINDA: Oh my god! (Kissing Jesse) Baby, are you winning?
SAUL: He’s killing it! He can’t lose!
Jesse stands up, kisses Melinda, then gives her a hug.
JESSE: Saul, I mean Chad or whatever the fuck your name is, this is Melinda, Melinda meet Chad.
SAUL: Nice to meet you! And by the way, I answer to any of those names and I also answer to “Dickhead” on occasion.
MELINDA: (Reaching out her hand to shake Saul’s, then pulling her hand back) Oh sorry, you can’t touch anyone, right?
SAUL: Well, technically I can, but it looks to the guys manning the cameras (pointing to the cameras on the ceiling) like I’m passing chips.
MELINDA: See, I knew that!
SAUL: But I can clap my hands, like so, and show the cameras that my hands are empty, like so, and then shake your hand. Nice to meet you.
MELINDA: Nice to meet you too! How do you two know each other?
SAUL: Oh, uh, we go way back. (Smiling at Jesse) We are, uh, partners in crime, so to speak.
JESSE: Yeah, what he said. (Kisses Melinda and gives her a “You wanna leave” look) Hey, Chad, listen, it’s been great seeing you again, but we gotta roll. Last hand.
Jesse bets an extra eleven thousand for an even fifteen thousand.
MELINDA: How much are you betting?
JESSE: Fifteen thousand.
MELINDA: Baby, that’s a lot of money! Fifteen thousand dollars?
JESSE: Shhh, calm down, it’s all winnings!
MELINDA: Oh, my, god!
Saul deals Jesse a pair of aces and has a king of hearts showing. Melinda screams.
MELINDA: A pair of aces, that’s good, right?
JESSE: Pipe down baby girl; it’s not good yet. (To Saul) What am I supposed to do with two aces?
SAUL: Flip them both over, double your bet, and I’ll give you one card each.
Jesse puts all his chips on the table, takes his credit card out of his wallet, and tosses it on the felt.
SAUL: (Yells to his pit boss) Plastic down.
The pit boss comes over and processes a cash advance from Jesse’s credit card.
MELINDA: Honey, are you fucking nuts?
JESSE: (To Melinda) Crazy for you!
MELINDA: Baby, don’t do this! You’re insane, that’s a lot of money!
JESSE: Mel, (kisses her again) do not, I repeat, do not (lovingly squeezes her chin) fuck with a winning streak!
MELINDA: (Turning around) I can’t watch.
After receiving more chips, Jesse nervously puts the additional chips next to his cards. He now has thirty thousand dollars in chips on the table—fifteen thousand for each ace. A small crowd forms to watch.
JESSE: (To Saul) Do your best, bitch. (To Melinda) Don’t worry, babe; I’m feeling good!
The pit boss watches closely over Saul’s shoulder.
Saul gives Jesse two cards facedown.
Jesse looks at each: a four and a five. He has a soft fifteen on one hand and a soft sixteen on the other. He can’t take a hit on either one.
JESSE: (Throwing his cards on the table) Fuck me, thanks a fat-fucking lot, Chad!
Jesse starts slowly walking away.
Saul flips over the card under his King revealing a two for a total of twelve.
Jesse stops in his tracks.
JESSE: Come on, Chad, hit it hard!
Saul hits a two for a total of fourteen. Then hits an ace for a total of fifteen. Then hits another ace for a total of sixteen.
Saul has to hit to at least seventeen.
JESSE: Holy fuck stain, Chad! Hit it hard, bitch!
Saul takes a final hit and the queen of spades shows up. Saul busts and Jesse wins.
Jesse and his girlfriend scream.
SAUL: Busted flat in Baton Rouge. (To the pit) Coloring sixty thousand.
Saul pays out thirty thousand dollars in chips, then grabs Jesse’s massive pile of multicolored chips and exchanges them to thousand dollar chips so it’s easier for Jesse to carry and so it doesn’t drain Saul’s chip drawer of too many chips.
SAUL: Total haul: sixty thousand dollars off a single hundred-dollar bill and a few extras here and there. Pretty impressive!
JESSE: (Kissing Melinda) Sweet baby Jesus! (Picking up the sixty chips and cradling them) Yeah, Chad, looks like my luck has turned around!
Jesse tosses Saul a thousand dollar chip as a tip.
JESSE: Good playing with you, Chad! See you around.
Jesse and Melinda walk away arm-in-arm.
SAUL: (Tapping the chip on his metallic chip drawer for luck then sliding the chip in his tip drawer) Thanks, and don’t spend it all in one place!
Saul watches Jesse and his girlfriend walk away and shakes his head in disbelief.
SAUL: (To his pit boss) Lucky stiff!
The pit boss immediately runs after them to offer a free room voucher.
Back to the present. Late evening.
A brand new Lamborghini rolls up to the entrance of a swank Las Vegas casino. The tires squeak on the slick parking lot concrete. Inside the car, a hand reaches for the music player and turns up ZZ-Top’s “Sharp-dressed Man”.
The driver adjusts his bowtie in the mirror. The car door opens and Skinny Pete steps out of the Lamborghini smiling brightly and looking good in a flashy tuxedo.
Skinny Pete walks up to a hot young couple. The man gives Skinny Pete a tip and then he and his lady hop into the Lamborghini and drive away.
Skinny Pete is working as a parking attendant at a swank Las Vegas hotel. He strolls over to the Casino’s bell captain.
SKINNY PETE: (To the bell captain) Damn bro, I almost drove that one away!
BELL CAPTAIN: That was a sweet ride, Holmes! Don’t worry, one day we’ll be stylin’ and dialin’ like that too.
SKINNY PETE: That would be living large as in Grand Canyon large!
Skinny Pete’s phone rings.
SKINNY PETE: (On the phone) Yo Badge, what up?
BADGER: I’ve got a situation, I repeat, a major league situation! Meet me in back of the Gold and Silver Pawn Shop, pronto.
SKINNY PETE: Yo, yo, I’m working.
BADGER: Fuck that, get your ass over here! It’s muy importante!
SKINNY PETE: Okay, chill, I’ll be there in ten!
Late night, back at Jesse and Melinda’s apartment complex.
After Badger and Skinny Pete barged in on Jesse and Melinda having sex, Jesse is now fully dressed. He, Badger, and Skinny Pete all rush to the back parking lot of the apartment complex.
The limo is parked in the far backside of the apartment complex idling across three parking spaces.
Jesse curiously opens the back limo door and sticks his head in. He closes the door and starts laughing his ass off.
JESSE: Yo! What the fuck is that?
BADGER: That, my friend, is a very fucked up Justin Bieber with his dick stuck in some random prostitute’s vajayjay.
JESSE: (Doubling over) Ha! And you brought them here! Why? And you want me to do what about it?
BADGER: Figure it out?
SKINNY PETE: I told Justin that we should just go to the hospital, but he was like, “Fuck that!” Then he passed right the fuck out!
JESSE: So cooking oil or ice? Have you tried that?
SKINNY PETE: Damn straight, but they are stuck tighter than two dogs fucking!
BADGER: Apparently, Ms. Tracy, she’s a pro, whacked his dick hard before he stuck it in, he naturally swelled, and now he ain’t coming out!
JESSE: No fucking way!
SKINNY PETE: (Nervously laughing) Hell to the fuck yeah, motherfucker!
JESSE: Dudes, this is fucked up! (Trying to think clearly) Doesn’t he have, what do you call it? (Snaps his fingers quickly) Handlers?
BADGER: He did, but I dropped them off at a fancy club with a few other dancers a couple hours ago. Justin wanted to be alone with this one.
JESSE: Where are they now?
BADGER: No fucking idea?
Jesse starts rubbing his head trying to pull an idea out of his ass. He does not want to get involved, period.
JESSE: Doesn’t he have a phone number to call?
BADGER: He lost his cellphone and is too fucked up to remember anyone’s number or the hotel he’s staying at.
Jesse throws up his hands in disbelief.
JESSE: Check his pockets, anything?
BADGER: Already tried that: lip balm, gum, and condoms.
Skinny Pete looks through the tinted windows of the limo.
SKINNY PETE: (Laughing hysterically) This is some funny shit, ain’t it?
Skinny Pete takes out his smartphone and wants to take some photos. Jesse stops him.
JESSE: Come on bro, what if it was you?
SKINNY PETE: Hell, if it was me, I’d be like sucking those titties and riding it out. Not panicking and being all bitchy and passing out and shit.
JESSE: Yeah right, you’d be in full-on panic mode, you ain’t no hero. You’re panicking now and it isn’t even your problem.
SKINNY PETE: (Laughing and nervously trying to light a cigarette) Yo, I ain’t panicking, am I?
BADGER: (Trying to calm Skinny Pete down) Nah, you ‘aight. We’ll sort this out, don’t worry.
SKINNY PETE: (Throws his cigarette at Badger) Yo, I ain’t worrying, dawg.
JESSE: (Picking up the cigarette) Okay, okay, shut the fuck up and let me think for a second!
Jesse lights the cigarette, then squats on the ground and buries his head in his hands.
JESSE: (Standing up) Fuck it!
Trying to channel Mike Ehrmantraut, Jesse opens the door, sticks his head back in, and slaps Justin on the face to wake him up.
JESSE: Yo, wake up!
JUSTIN: (Suddenly waking up and dodging Jesse’s slaps like someone’s throwing punches at him) What the fuck!
JESSE: Sup, just trying to wake your ass up. How’s it going? (Extending his hand) I’m Jesse.
JUSTIN: (Looking around and realizing the situation he’s in) Holy shit! (Slurring his speech) I thought this was a dream! Look dude, you gotta help me out! My dick’s stuck and this bitch is like passed the fuck out! She may be dead for all I know!
JESSE: Yo, chill! Check her heart, is it beating?
JUSTIN: (Puts his head to heart) Yeah, I think. (Listens closely) Yeah, yeah, I hear something!
JESSE: Okay, good! Now what were you doing tonight?
JUSTIN: I went to a titty bar.
JESSE: No, bitch, what drugs were you doing?
JUSTIN: Wait, who the fuck are you?
JESSE: Just some random-ass good Samaritans. We ain’t no paparazzi or anything, we’re friends of your limo driver.
Jesse grabs Badger and pulls his head in full view of Justin.
BADGER: Hi, uh, remember me, I bitched about you kicking out my limo light?
JUSTIN: Yeah, very uncool.
JESSE: Look man, focus, what drugs were you doing?
JUSTIN: Oh yeah, shit. Um, blow, a shitload of fucking alcohol, codeine, dope, and a Molly chaser for shizzles my man. (Starts screaming) No one can say that I can’t party like a motherfucking rock star because that’s what I am motherfuckers: a motherfucking rock star!
JESSE: (Calmly annoyed, channeling Mike) Okay badass, now why exactly are you stuck?
JUSTIN: So she was like shooting blow up my dickhole and I was like sucking on her titties. Next thing I know, she like asks me if I wanna try something new. I’m like, “Yeah, whatever”. Then she whacks the fuck out of my dick with a dildo! SLAMO! I had a raging boner and BLAMMO! Holy fuck, hurt like hell. Then she climbs on top of me and passes the fuck out! Now I’m stuck and can’t get this skanky ho off me! Dude, whatever it costs, I’ll pay it. And, hey (whispers) no press!
JESSE: Look, sit tight, I’ll handle it.
JUSTIN: Bro, I ain’t going nowhere, that’s for damn sure, motherfucker!
Jesse lights another cigarette and inhales deeply.
A random dude outside a Las Vegas titty bar exhales from his cigarette. There’s lots of activity around the entrance as taxis come and go, girls and customers come and go. It’s not the nicest of titty bars, but it gets the job done.
Inside, the titty bar is bustling. A drunk male customer starts abusing one of the ladies. She gives a signal. A big black hand grabs the customer and pulls him out of his seat.
Outside, the customer is thrown up against a chain-linked fence by the big security guard.
TITTY BAR CUSTOMER: (With a big hand around his throat) What the fuck? I was just having fun.
The camera zooms in on the bouncer’s face. It’s Huell.
HUELL: (Pointing his finger) Sir, you were taking liberties with the ladies. That is absolutely not allowed. This is a gentleman’s club, for gentlemen only. I’ll take it easy on you this time, but if I catch your smelly ass in here again, there will be hell to pay. You got it?
TITTY BAR CUSTOMER: Yeah, yeah. Get off of me before I call the cops!
HUELL: You call the po-po, you’re going to jail, guaranteed! Now go on (kicking the customer), get!
A limo suddenly rushes up to the front entrance of the titty bar. We clearly see the name of the titty bar: the one and only, Le Broads. The limo squeals to a stop at the entrance and Jesse jumps out and runs up to one of the bouncers at the front door.
JESSE: Yo, yo, I’m looking for a guy that works here: big black guy with a shark-fin forehead.
The bouncer looks like he knows who Jesse is talking about, but plays dumb.
BOUNCER: (Putting out his hand) Hmm, kind of sounds familiar.
Jesse rolls his eyes and pulls out a hundred-dollar bill and shoves it in the bouncer’s hand.
JESSE: Yo bro, find him and tell him Jesse from Albuquerque is out front. It’s an emergency!
Moments later, Huell exits the titty bar and looks at Jesse like he’s seen a ghost.
HUELL: (In shock) Jesse Fucking Pinkman? Mother Mary, I thought you were dead!
JESSE: Yeah, rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated or some shit like that.
HUELL: (Still in shock, but suddenly remembers something) Wait a minute. Hold the phone! I saw a picture of your ugly ass with your motherfucking brains and shit all over the motherfucking ground!
Hoping that Huell had forgotten all about it, Jesse starts backtracking.
JESSE: Oh fuck, that’s right!
Huell is still thinking that he is seeing a ghost.
Jesse takes a deep breath and decides to tell Huell the truth.
JESSE: Yo, yo, (takes a moment) listen, that was a fake picture. The DEA did that to trick you into thinking I was dead, so you would tell them about Mr. H’s rental van. It’s a very long story, but it was all fake—fake blood, fake brains.
HUELL: Say what? You squealed on me! You fucking rat!
Huell punches Jesse in the face and Jesse immediately crumbles to the ground.
Badger and Skinny Pete rush to restrain Huell.
A fuckton of bouncers pour out of the titty bar and latch onto Badger and Skinny Pete.
Jesse gingerly gets to his knees and tries to calm everyone down.
HUELL: (Dancing around like a boxer) Stay down motherfucker, stay down!
JESSE: (Slowly rising) Yo, yo, yo! Please! Chill the fuck out! (Feeling his jaw) Look, Huell, I just need one small favor from you; then I’m gone. Swear to god! Okay? I’m not fucking with you; I’m serious. Just take one look in the back of the limo, then get me Saul’s number.
Huell hesitates for a second, not sure if he should murder Jesse right then and there or look into the limo. He’s afraid if he looks in that limo, he’ll get shot. Thus, he carefully weighs his options as he looks around and notices that everybody is looking at him. He hesitates again, then reluctantly takes a look inside the limo.
Huell opens the limo’s passenger door slowly, puts his hand over his mouth, and immediately laughs his ass off.
HUELL: Ha! I’ve seen some funny shit before in my life, but that takes the motherfucking cake! Hands down! Phew! My lord! That was too funny! Yuck, yuck!
Huell wipes his forehead and covers his mouth again trying to stop from laughing.
Later that evening at a dominatrix studio, Saul takes his thumb out of his mouth. He is dressed like a baby and getting feed with a bottle from a hot dominatrix.
SAUL: Mama, baby wants to be spanked.
His cellphone rings and it’s got a Marvin Gaye ringtone: “Sexual Healing”. Saul knows it’s from Huell and probably important.
SAUL: (Under his breath) For the love of all things holy, this better be important! (Saul looks at the dominatrix and smiles meekly, then points to his phone) Uh, one moment please.
DOMINATRIX: I said, “No phone calls,” remember? You will pay for this little infraction, got it!
SAUL: I know. I’m so sorry, mistress. (Smiling excitedly) You can beat me later, hard!
Saul crawls to his pants and digs the phone out of his pocket.
HUELL: Boss, we’ve got a situation.
SAUL: (Listening) Okay, okay. Got it. Tell them to go to a safe place with a back entrance. No police, no paparazzi, no nothing. Then text me the address and I’ll be right there.
The sun is slowly rising over a random strip mall. As the camera pans across the shops, it stops on one—Jesse’s comic book store: Pinkman’s Comic Palace.
The limo pulls up to the back entrance of Jesse’s shop. Jesse, Skinny Pete, and Badger go in through the back door carrying the goods.
They plop Justin and Tracy, the titty dancer, on a couch in Jesse’s rear office room, which is full of comic books and movie posters.
An old white and gold BMW pulls up. Saul steps out wearing boots, a suit, and sunglasses. The old Saul is back!
Inside Jesse’s office, everyone is nervously waiting around. Saul walks in holding a cup of coffee and takes in the situation.
SAUL: (Putting on lip balm) Is that who I think it is?
JESSE: Yep, in the flesh.
SAUL: Okay, what happened?
JESSE: They did a round of drugs; she blew coke up his dick hole, then hit his dick with a dildo. He got stuck; she passed out, and here we are.
SAUL: (Slapping Justin) Wake up, kid! How long have you been like this?
JUSTIN: (Groggy and still hammered) A badass rock star? Practically my whole life!
SAUL: For Pete’s sakes! No kid, how long have you been entwined?
JUSTIN: I don’t know, four or five hours? Who the fuck are you?
SAUL: Your savior. Listen, you ever seen those Viagra commercials where they talk about priapism?
JUSTIN: I don’t do that shit.
SAUL: Well, priapism means you’re hard for too long. When that happens, your blood can’t escape from your dick, and it starts to turn sour like cottage cheese. If you stay hard too long, you could lose your dick! As in, they’ll have to cut that Vienna sausage off.
Jesse and the crew react with pain.
JUSTIN: Oh no, no, NO! Not my dick! Listen, I’m fucking young! I’ve got a whole future full of hot pussy ahead of me! Do something, please!
SKINNY PETE: (To Justin) Damn bro, I didn’t know you could lose your dick and all!
BADGER: (To Justin) Shit, I would have driven faster had I known it was that serious!
JESSE: (To Saul) How is it you know so much about hard-ons?
SAUL: (To Jesse) Well, let’s just say it takes one to know one. (To Justin) Okay, I’ve got a plan, but it’s going to cost you.
JUSTIN: Whatever the price, I’ll pay it!
SAUL: That’s what they all say in the heat of the moment, but later, it’s a different story. Tell me this, how do I know you’re good for it?
JUSTIN: Dude man, I’m fucking Justin Bieber! Of course I’m good for it!
SAUL: I don’t care if you’re Darth Vader. Money talks and the second I get celebrities out of messes, they all tend to claim short-term memory loss. Now, do you have any kind of collateral?
JUSTIN: Dude, don’t get all legal and shit on me. Just get me out of this hole and I’ll help you out! Whatever the fucking cost!
SAUL: All right, all right, don’t bust a nut. I know a guy who might, and I mean might, be able to get you out of this very fine mess. He’s a doctor and he does “House” calls, but he ain’t cheap. And quite frankly, neither are we.
JUSTIN: Dude, I’ll cover all expenses!
SAUL: (To the boys) Now, who else knows about this?
BADGER: No one. He was with a few dancing friends of Tracy, this girl here. And with his bodyguards, but they all checked out before this happened.
SAUL: Great. Call the place where you picked up Ms. Tracy. Tell them you’re her limo driver. Say the girl passed out and simply ask for the phone number of ONE of her coworkers and get ONE coworker to come over here. (Holding up one finger for emphasis) And I mean only ONE!
BADGER: Uh, one more thing, we don’t know how to get a hold of Justin’s bodyguards and we don’t know where he’s staying—he lost his phone and can’t remember.
SAUL: Okay, thanks for pointing that little fact out. So, would someone, pretty please, check online or call the kid’s agent and find out where the hell he’s staying.
Cut to an exclusive golf course. Someone is putting on a practice green. One ball goes into a hole. The camera pulls back and we see Dr. Gregory House dressed in ridiculous golfing attire practicing on a golf course putting green before a celebrity golf tournament. His phone rings.
HOUSE: Yello. (He listens carefully while smoking a cigar) K. Be right over.
Thirty minutes later, House pulls up to Jesse’s comic book shop carrying a black doctor’s bag. He walks inside and gets debriefed.
HOUSE: (To Justin) I’ll have you know I gave up golfing at a celebrity golf tourney for this. I was scheduled to tee off with Michael Jordan, Sir Charles Barkley, and Dennis Rodman.
JUSTIN: Look, take care of me, and believe me, I’ll take care of you!
SKINNY PETE: Yo, I heard Charles Barkley is like the worse golfer of all time!
HOUSE: Yes, he’s absolutely horrid. But funny as a dog eating peanut butter, so we put up with it. However, Jordan is a great golfer and wants to gamble on every shot! We definitely can’t afford to put up with that! (Turning to Justin) So here’s the situation, I’m going to inject you with something to numb your dick, which will hopefully reduce the swelling. If that works, we should be home free. If not, we’ll try Plan B.
JUSTIN: What’s Plan B?
HOUSE: We saw off your johnson.
JUSTIN: What the fuck, NO!
HOUSE: Just kidding, ha! We’ll cross that path if we have to.
JUSTIN: Look, doc, I’ve gotta piss like a fucking racehorse!
HOUSE: That’s a good sign. First let me inject you, but brace yourself before I do because it may be very painful. Afterwards, we’ll let you piss “like a racehorse” inside of her and the two processes working together may reduce the swelling just enough for you to work your penis free of this attractive young lady’s vagina.
House inserts a needle directly into Justin’s dick as Justin and the crew squirm. Justin contorts his face in agony.
Five minutes later, House wakes up Tracy using smelling salts.
TRACY: (Taken aback) Who are you all?
HOUSE: Calm down, everything’s going to be all right. We have a situation. Your friend here is stuck inside you and can’t get out.
TRACY: Oh my god! How long have we been stuck?
JUSTIN: Like five fucking hours!
TRACY: (Grossed out) Inside me? (Suddenly excited) Wait, is that some kind of record? Have I been your longest?
JUSTIN: You wish!
TRACY: (Heartbroken) Wasn’t I?
JUSTIN: Okay, maybe you were. Don’t get all sad on me. I can’t handle sadness at this moment in time.
SAUL: Okay, okay, save the medal ceremony for later!
HOUSE: (To Justin and Tracy) Now, we are going to attempt to ease you two apart. Don’t be alarmed. (Motioning to Badger and Skinny Pete) You two lift these two up and hold them over the trashcan.
Badger rushes to help Tracy. Skinny Pete gives Badger a look and reluctantly gets behind Justin. Badger struggles to figure out how to lift up Tracy without groping her. Eventually, he stands behind her and puts his hands around her waist. After lifting Justin and Tracy over a large trashcan, Badger and Skinny Pete slowly try to pull the pair apart.
JUSTIN: Ouch, whoa, owwww!
TRACY: Oo, oh, awwww!
JUSTIN: Not so fast!
TRACY: (Breathing heavily) Faster, faster!
POP! Justin comes out and a massive amount of urine flows out of Tracy into the trashcan.
Badger and Skinny Pete carefully set Justin and Tracy down. Afterwards, Badger flashes Tracy a goofy smile, then looks at his hands like he just held a work of art.
JUSTIN: Oh thank god! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
TRACY: Well, that was fun!
HOUSE: First things first, are you all right?
TRACY: (Feeling herself) Yeah, I think so.
JUSTIN: My head is spinning, but other than that, yeah.
SAUL: Great! (To Tracy) We called your friend, Cherry, and she’s going to come pick you up. We think you can understand the gravity of the situation. My client here does not need this getting out to anyone, okay? He will give you a kind tip to, you know, keep your mouth shut! So just give me your details and we’ll work this out in the coming days. (To Justin) We located one of your bodyguards and he’s coming to help you get back to your hotel.
HOUSE: (To Tracy and Justin) I’d like to administer an IV, just to get you both back on your feet. So please sit back and get comfortable.
House takes out two IV bags from his black bag.
SAUL: Can we get some clothes on these people first!
BADGER: Good call, I’ll get right on it!
An hour later, Tracy is helped by her friend, Cherry, to Cherry’s car. One of Tracy’s heels is broken and she’s limping. At the same time, Justin’s big bouncer, 2Ton, carries him like a baby into Badger’s limo.
CHERRY: So you were with Justin this entire time! How was it?
TRACY: Oh my god, it was amazing!
CHERRY: So, what happened?
TRACY: We fucked for like five hours! Oh my god, it was insane!
Cherry looks at Tracy like she’s the luckiest woman on earth.
Back at the comic shop, Saul takes House aside.
SAUL: I don’t know how to thank you enough buddy old pal, good friend of mine. I owe you!
HOUSE: No worries, I just called and I think I can catch the back nine.
SAUL: That’s great! Really, truly, from the bottom of my heart, thanks for all the help!
HOUSE: Look, you help me, I help you. It’s all good in the hood.
Outside, Saul waves goodbye to House, then walks over to the limo where the boys are having a smoke. Saul has his old swagger back and he starts thinking that Vegas might be good to him and it might be good to have these knuckleheads around to help him drum up business.
SAUL: Listen gentleman, this is the type of client I like: Legitimate business, small, non-life-threatening problems, easy to patch up. As I told Mr. Pinkman, I’m still in business, but under the radar a bit. So in the future, if you have any minor issues, such as this one today, please, by all means, feel free to contact me.
Saul passes out his new business card, which has the following tagline on it: “Don’t get mad, call Chad”.
SKINNY PETE: You got it Mr. Goodman. By the way, I loved your commercials!
BADGER: Me too!
SAUL: Great, I’ll give you my autograph later, just get my client back to his hotel safely.
JESSE: (Looking at the business card) You might consider using your old name; I like it better than Chad.
SAUL: I’ll consider it. Nothing’s etched in stone just yet.
A few days later, Jesse is in the Gold and Silver Pawn Shop. Jesse inspects a dinged-up Superman #1 comic book. Jesse starts bargaining with Rick Harrison, the owner of the pawnshop and star of the TV series “Pawn Stars”, over the price of Rick’s comic book.
RICK: Look, this comic book is in good condition.
JESSE: It is not! And how do I know it’s authentic?
RICK: Because I said it is. What do you think, I print these things up in my basement?
JESSE: Dude, I’m not just going to take your word for it. Where’s your team of associates that always show up and tell you if something’s legit?
RICK: Trust me, it’s legit.
JESSE: Well, where’s the letter of authenticity?
RICK: (Getting angry) There is none. Do you have one for every comic book in your shop?
JESSE: Okay, just chill! Look, barring no letter of authenticity, I can’t be 100% sure that it’s real, can I? Thus, the price has got to be lower.
RICK: (Throwing up his hands) Make me an offer.
JESSE: I’m not making you an offer, bitch! I know how this shit works! You make me an offer!
Days later in Jesse’s busy comic book shop; Jesse is sharing a laugh with a young client and gives him a high five. We see the Superman #1 comic book from the pawnshop in a frame on display behind Jesse’s cash register.
That evening at a Justin Bieber concert in Las Vegas, Huell, Saul, House, Badger, and Skinny Pete are backstage talking to some fans on a sofa. Skinny Pete holds up a large glass jar full of some unknown yellow liquid.
SKINNY PETE: (To Badger) Yo, check this out, it’s Justin Bieber’s urine.
BADGER: (Grossed out) Dude! Where the fuck did you get that?
SKINNY PETE: I emptied the trashcan in Jesse’s office and poured the piss into this jar.
BADGER: Bro, you’ve got a screw loose!
SKINNY PETE: No way, I can like sell Justin’s urine online for a fortune, dawg, if I can just get him to autograph it! Do you think he will?
BADGER: Damn bro, you’re sick! Don’t even think of asking!
SKINNY PETE: But what if I like make up a story and don’t tell him the jar is full of his urine?
BADGER: What are you going to say, “Dude, please sign this jar of yellow-brown juice, for my friend?” (Shaking his head) It’s not going to work.
SKINNY PETE: It may!
Jesse arrives with his girlfriend, Melinda, and introduces Melinda’s hot younger sister, Regina, to the group. Saul immediately stands up for a closer inspection.
SAUL: (Smitten) Wow, beauty obviously runs in the family.
JESSE: She’s a student, Saul; don’t get all hot and bothered.
SAUL: (To Regina) So you’re a student? I like learning too. Where are you studying?
SAUL: Great school, and local, very local. So what’s your major?
SAUL: Get the fuck out of here!
Badger suddenly kicks the glass jar out of Skinny Pete’s hand and it flies into the air. The camera follows the jar up in the air and then goes over the backstage wall to the Bieber concert. Justin’s singing on stage holding someone’s hand in the front row while thousands of fans scream in unison.
The camera pulls in further and we see the four titty dancers in the front row seductively as Tracy holds Justin’s hand lovingly.
Fade to credits.
Hillel Groovatti is the author of the short fiction collection entitled Totally Losing Face and Other Stories.