Hey, have you seen this new TV show, Star Trek Discovery? If not, spoiler alert! I recently watched the first nine episodes of the new sci-fi series out on CBS. I liked the special effects, the ship’s design, the new uniforms, the cinematography, and the acting wasn’t half bad. However, the story, especially for the series premier, had numerous plot holes, annoying characters, a confusing storyline, and cliche bad guys.

First and foremost, why did first officer Michael Burnham, played by Sonequa Martin-Green, go out alone to check on the strange Klingon object? You’ve got a fucking giant ship full of people and you’re only going to send out one fucking person to investigate a mysterious object? Horseshit and totally illogical! If she would have gone out with a crew of people, they could have captured the Klingon on the structure and not killed him and possibly avoided the senseless death and destruction that followed!

Next, if an enemy ship suddenly appears, why don’t you back your bigass starship down and observe the enemy from afar instead of engaging in hostile, life threatening maneuvers? The second the Klingon ship appeared, the Shenzhou should have backed off to gain intel especially after the Klingon ship refused to communicate. Granted, the Shenzhou was in Federation territory, but if you really are a peaceful people, back the fuck off and seek other measures to communicate.

Thirdly, why did the Shenzhou only send two people to kidnap the Klingon ruler called T’Kuvma and played by Chris Obi? The Klingon ship was apparently full of Klingons and you’re only going to send two people—one of them the captain of the Shenzhou—to capture the Klingon ruler? Idiotic! And why didn’t Michael stun the Klingon ruler instead of killing him? And why didn’t the Chief Science Officer, called Saru and played by Doug Jones, know that the captain of the Shenzhou, played by Michelle Yeoh, was in a life-threatening situation? Saru seemed to notice when Michael was in a life-threatening situation and beamed her up out of harms way, but not the captain? He should have had his hand on that beaming-up button the entire time the landing crew were on the Klingon ship and should have saved the captain, hello?

And why the hell is the first officer, a woman, called Michael? Did she have a sex change, but not change her real name? Do names switch gender in the future? Last I checked, Michael was a solid male name. Michael Burnham, the first officer, was raised by Vulcans, so why doesn’t she have a Vulcan name? Or use her real name, Sonequa; it’s much better than Michael. I’m sure one day we will find out, but till then, it’s annoying!

Additionally, if Spock’s father is around, where is Spock? Where is James T. Kirk? Let the viewer know where and when we are in the Star Trek universe. Don’t just throw us right into a stupid battle! With so many Star Trek storylines going around, it’s critical to establish a dot on a timeline so the viewer can quickly adjust. This site seems to think the Discovery series occurs five years before Captain Kirk manned the Enterprise in all its glory, but that’s ludicrous! Why make a show based five years before the original?

And finally, how about a little backstory on the Klingons to help the viewer understand their plight and what the fuck they’ve been doing for a hundred years! It seemed like the writers just needed a bad guy to quickly add into the story to create tension and were hard pressed to go to war immediately without developing any kind of solid backstory. These Klingons must be ferociously pissed off if they are going to take on the entire Federation. If so, let us know why and don’t treat them like some one-dimensional spaghetti-western bad guys.

One sci-fi series premiere that really got it right was Battlestar Gallactica. If you haven’t seen it yet, check it out. Really well done, lots of action, great cinematography, great writing, and it draws the viewer in immediately!

OK, enough ranting. I’m going to rewrite the Star Trek Discovery series premiere and add in a little comedy; hopefully I’ll do it justice. Here we go!

Star Trek Discovery Fan Fiction

Asteroids Amongst Us

Series Premiere

 

By

Hillel Groovatti

*Spoiler alert, please watch the Star Trek Discovery series premiere before reading this!

Synopsis: Exploring the fringes of the Federation, the USS Shenzhou discovers a mysterious object lurking in a binary system surrounded by asteroids. After inspecting the object, the Shenzhou's landing crew put the entire spaceship in danger and could ignite a war with the Klingons.

Special guest stars: Bones, Chekov, Chewbacca from Star Wars, Data, Eric Cartman from South Park, Jesse Pinkman & Walter White from Breaking Bad, MacGyver from MacGyver, Rocket from Guardians of the Galaxy, Scotty, Sulu, Tony Montana from Scarface, and Uhura.

Introduction

Captain’s log, stardate 1207.3, I am captain Philippa Georgiou on the maiden voyage of the United Star Ship Shenzhou—one of the most sophisticated starships ever built. After attending an elaborate ceremonial burial for famed Starfleet captain James T. Kirk at Federation headquarters, we launched the Shenzhou and exited the inner framework of the Federation system.

Our overall mission is to inspect the outer reaches of the Federation. I have a crack crew of seasoned veterans led by my first officer Michael Burnham. Raised by Vulcans after her Earther parents died, she is power hungry and eager to prove herself. Her rival is Chief Science Officer Saru, who is Kelpien and eager to follow orders and provide facts without much thought. In addition, a multi-cultural crew of highly trained officers, decorated warriors, elite scientists, and untested rookies have signed up for this open-ended mission designed to delve into the mysteries of the cosmos.

Scene 1: A Shiny Metal Object

External view of the Shenzhou docked near a large binary system surrounded by a massive asteroid belt. A large communications satellite comes into view. An unmanned drone flies around the object and notices a large hole in the casing of the satellite.

Cut to the bridge of the Shenzhou where captain Philippa Georgiou is sitting in her captain's chair observing the object on the bridge’s screen. Cut to Kelpien Chief Science Officer, Saru, standing behind his instrument panel.

Saru: Captain, the Federation’s interstellar relay appears to be damaged from non-natural causes. Sensors are picking up burn marks indicative of a laser blast.

Georgiou: That’s interesting. Any sign of the perpetrators?

Saru: None so far.

Georgiou: How long do you think it will take to repair?

Saru: Approximately fifty to sixty hours by my best estimation.

Georgiou: Affirmative, carry on.

First officer Michael Burnham approaches the captain. Although named “Michael”, she is actually a human woman who was raised by Vulcans.

Burnham: Who on earth would destroy a Federation interstellar relay in the middle of nowhere?

Georgiou: Good question! Anybody?

Saru: Perhaps it was a bunch of drunken kids, joyriders, rogue pilots doing shooting practice, or smugglers.

Burnham: (Rolling her eyes at Saru) Captain, nobody in their right mind would destroy a Federation interstellar relay in Federation territory. Regardless, let me go out alone and repair it.

Georgiou: Absolutely not!

Burnham: Captain, I have a powerfully strong feeling about this and really need to go out there and inspect that thing.

Saru: Captain, Burnham belongs on the bridge with the rest of us, do not cave in to her ridiculous requests for glory.

Burnham: For what? Glory? I am not a glory seeker, thank you very much! I’ll have you know that I was raised by Vulcans and base all my decisions on sound logic and right now I know something is up with that relay!

Saru: There isn’t one ounce of logic in your request. You are an officer, stay on board where you belong and let the trained professionals do what they were hired to do!

Burnham: (Pointing her phaser at the captain) Captain, I insist! I need this to prove what a badass I am!

Saru pulls out his phaser and points it at Burnham.

Saru: Captain, I’ve got a clear shot.

Georgiou pulls out two phasers and points one at Burnham and one at Saru.

Georgiou: You two calm the fuck down, that’s an order!

The entire crew on the bridge weaponize and point their firearms at various people on the bridge. Sulu takes out a pink lightsaber. Chekov takes out an AK47. Uhura takes out pepper spray. Chewbacca from Star Wars takes out his bowcaster. Rocket the fearless genetically modified raccoon from Guardians of the Galaxy takes out a laser pistol and points it directly at Saru.

Rocket: (Sneering evilly) Go on lizard face, dust her! I dare you! I double-dog dare you!

Data, the beloved android and second officer from Star Trek: The Next Generation, suddenly stands up.

Data: No, no, no. This is not good. Stop this instant! One shot from any of your weapons could destroy the bridge!

Everyone slowly lowers their weapons including rocket who won’t take his eyes off Saru.

Georgiou: Look, everyone settle down. Number One, get over yourself. I’m sending out a small crew to fix the relay and you will not be part of that crew. Is that understood?

Burnham: (Reluctantly) Yes, captain.

Saru: (Noticing an alert on his instrument panel) Captain, there appears to be a strange object floating in the asteroid belt of the binary system straight ahead.

Cut to the bridge screen. A shiny, blurry object appears amongst a massive asteroid field.

Georgiou: Please increase resolution.

Saru: There seems to be a powerful force field blocking our instruments from scanning the object. It appears to be emitting an extremely strong jamming mechanism.

Georgiou: What do you think the object is?

Saru: No clue, but if I had to guess it could be a sperm or ovary bank for some past king or queen. Or a vault holding the Cornell’s secret recipe. Or fecal matter ejected from a type of species that eats metallic objects and then shits them out into space and hides them in asteroid belts. Or a massive time bomb that could destroy the universe!

Sulu: Captain, my money’s on the sperm bank.

The captain gives Sulu the stink eye as Burnham approaches the captain again.

Burnham: Captain, whatever it is, I think I should go out there all by myself and find out! I could end up starting a war with the Klingons, but fuck it, we gotta know what that thing is, right? I mean my heightened Vulcan sense of curiosity is killing me right now and if we don’t figure out what’s going on pronto, I could totally lose my mind!

Georgiou: No fucking way!

Burnham: (Pulling out her phaser) But captain, I insist!

Saru: (Pulling out his phaser) Captain, again, she belongs on the bridge!

Data: (Standing up) Oh not again, please, people keep it together!

Burnham shoots Data in the face causing his wires to spark and malfunction. He freezes in place. The crew are in shock!

Burnham: (To Data) Shut up! (To the captain) I’m not playing, send me out there! I’m as serious as a Vulcan artichoke!

Georgiou: (Forcing Burnham’s phaser down with her hand) OK, OK, I’ll send you out with a large landing crew of our finest to make sure you don’t fuck anything up.

Burnham: (Boldly standing up to the captain) Come on captain, I’m a big girl. After seven years of working together, I’m sure you know what I’m capable of. Don’t forget I spent years with the Vulcans and although am supposed to be super logical, I can’t seem to block the emotional stupidity flowing through my cerebral cortex right now, but never mind that. Listen, I can go out on my own into this incredibly nefarious situation and throw away all my training, throw logic out the window, put the crew at risk, and singlehandedly prove once and for all that I’m a super badass!

Georgiou: Have you been drinking?

Burnham: No, but I did massage my privates with a tribble tickler earlier today and it seems to be affecting my decision-making.

Georgiou: No problem, get suited up, I’ll send you out there with a landing crew of twenty and they’ll have your back.

Burnham: Aye-aye Captain.

Scene 2: Flight of the landing crew

Cut to the landing crew of twenty highly trained individuals all wearing sophisticated spacesuits and launching themselves out of the Shenzhou’s cargo bay into outer space. Michael Burnham is also suited up and fearlessly launches herself off to the darkness of space.

Once off, the landing crew line up in formation and use the jetpacks on their spacesuits to fly off into the asteroid belt as the two suns of the nearby binary system shine brightly ahead. Two shuttles take the lead, pulverizing asteroids and clearing a path.

Cut to the Shenzhou’s bridge.

Georgiou: Saru, how long do you think they can last out there?

Saru: I estimate that their suits should hold up fairly well against the radiation of the two suns. However, after several hours the suits could degrade and allow some radiation to leak in.

Georgiou: OK, please keep in constant contact with them. And at any sign of danger, bring them back immediately.

Saru: Aye-aye.

Scene 3: A shiny metallic orb

Cut to the landing crew flying past numerous asteroids and nearing in on the object.

Burnham: (From inside her spacesuit) Captain, we are getting closer to the object.

Cut to the Shenzhou’s bridge. Saru is trying to make out what Burnham is saying, but her message is mostly static.

Saru: Captain, I’ve just lost contact with the landing crew. The object’s jamming device is oddly powerful.

Georgiou: Data, intensify the signal.

Data: (Wearing an eye patch) It’s as strong as it can go.

Georgiou: Patch into one of the shuttle’s signals.

Data: Done. Nice, they’re back.

Georgiou: Number One, please report.

Cut to the landing crew floating close to the weird object in space. It’s approximately as high as a hundred-story skyscraper and adorned with mysterious carvings. Huge asteroids are slowly floating by.

Burnham: (Via intercom) Captain, are you seeing this thing?

Georgiou: No, please patch your video signal through to one of the shuttles.

Burnham: Aye-aye.

After being patched through, the video appears on the huge Shenzhou bridge screen.

 Georgiou: We see it now. Saru, what do you make of it?

Saru: Well, it appears that my initial guesses were all wrong. Whatever it is, it’s large and someone wanted it well hidden. Based on the size of it, I reckon it might be a beacon of some kind?

Georgiou: Number One, get in as close as you can.

Burnham: Aye-aye.

Michael Burnham zooms in and inspects the strange markings carved into the side of the object. A force field surrounds the device, but the crew float through it without incident. However, the force field seems to shake and shimmy a bit as the crew members pass through its protective membrane. Michael lands on top of the object with a few other crew members while the others inspect different parts of the structure.

As soon as the crew land on the object a strange noise occurs. It sounds like metal gears beginning to grind. The object slowly starts to spin and its force field expands into a large area extending well beyond the device.

Burnham: (Thrown from the device and floating off into space) Captain, we appear to have started the object spinning.

Georgiou: Get the fuck out of there this instant!

Burnham: I was thinking the same exact thing, but Captain I really want to save the day and get as much glory and recognition as I can out of this one mission. I mean, this thing is huge, we’re out in the middle of nowhere, and who knows what the fuck this thing will do. Let’s stick around a bit longer.

Georgiou: Negative, return to the ship!

Scene 4: Powerful gravity waves

The object suddenly starts emitting powerful gravity waves and spinning faster. As the landing crew fire the engines on their spacesuits and float away from the object, it slowly starts to suck them in along with dust and debris from the nearby asteroid belt.

The landing crew place their spacesuit thrusters on high, to no avail. They aren’t moving away from the object.

The object starts slowly pulling in asteroids from the general area and some of the asteroids begin pelting the shuttles.

Burnham: (Via Intercom) Landing crew, commence firing at incoming asteroids, set to pulverize.

Burnham tries desperately to generate enough power to break free from the gravity waves emitted by the spinning object. Even at full power, she is starting to go backwards.

Burnham: (Via Intercom) Shenzhou, we have a problem! The object appears to be spinning faster and emitting some kind of gravity field. None of us can break free from it.

Georgiou: Understood Number One, we are working on a solution. (Via Intercom) Scotty, beam up the entire crew.

Scotty: (Via Intercom) Aye-aye captain.

Cut to the engineering room. Scotty raises the levers on the transporter and the crew slowly appear then disappear.

Scotty: (Via Intercom) Captain, I’m a’giving it all she’s got, but that thing, whatever it is, won’t let them go.

Georgiou: Damn it! OK Scotty, we’ll try something else. (Opens a channel to the shuttle commanders) Shuttle commanders, beam the crew in.

Cut to the inside of shuttle one, warning alarms are sounding. Shuttle one's commander desperately tries beaming the crew in as the shuttle simultaneously struggles to escape from the spinning object’s increasingly powerful gravity waves. Meanwhile, shuttle crew members are firing away at the increasingly large number of asteroids and debris flying directly at them.

Shuttle One Commander: (Via Intercom) Captain, we can’t beam up the crew and are struggling to break free from the object’s immense gravitational pull! We are using all our power to try to pull back, to no avail! We could end up being sucked into that object. In the meantime, we are being bombarded by massive asteroids, I don’t know how much longer our shields can hold!

Shuttle Two Commander: (Via Intercom) Ditto!

Cut to the bridge of the Shenzhou. Captain Georgiou is watching the ship’s huge display screen and trying to figure out what’s going on.

Georgiou: Roger that commanders, we are currently concocting a solution.

Sulu: Did you just say, “Khan’s Cock is the solution?”

Georgiou: Mr. Sulu!

Sulu: Well, that’s what I heard!

Chekov: Captain, I suggest using the Shenzhou’s tractor beam to pull the shuttles out of harm’s way.

Georgiou: Affirmed.

Cut to an external view of the Shenzhou using its powerful tractor beam to try to tug the shuttles free. In the background the strange object is spinning ridiculously fast and growing ever larger. Simultaneously, a steady stream of asteroids are feeding the object. Furthermore, the asteroid belt is becoming more and more unstable and the asteroids are beginning to bounce around ever faster.

Chekov: Captain, the tractor beam is not working!

Scene 5: Streaming asteroids

Cut to the shuttles which are protecting the landing crew. Firing wildly at incoming asteroids, both shuttles are being pounded relentlessly by asteroids. Shuttle one commander hails the Shenzhou.

Shuttle One Commander: Captain, the object appears to be sucking in debris from the nearby asteroid belt at incredible speeds. The landing crew are being sucked in as well and if you don’t do something fast, we will be next!

The spinning orb has now grown much larger and is covered in asteroid dust and large asteroids. Cut to the landing crew, which are now super close to the object and desperately firing away at incoming asteroids. As the asteroids are pulverized, the remaining dust and rocks stick to the mysterious object. It seems like nothing can escape the powerful pull of the object.

The digital display on Burnham’s spacesuit is flashing red and sounding warning sirens. She notices that the pulverizing power of the laser guns on her spacesuit is almost sapped.

Burnham: (To the landing crew) Anyone else almost out of power?

All members of the landing crew respond affirmatively while an ever-growing stream of asteroids hammer into the spinning object.

The spinning object gradually pulls the entire landing crew in until they are adhered to the sides of it.

Burnham: (To the Shenzhou) Captain, we have a situation, this thing is rapidly growing and we are stuck to the sides of it! Our lasers are running out, it won’t be much longer till we will be crushed by asteroids or by the sheer weight of gravity.

Scene 6: Core temperature heating up

The newly-formed planet’s core is heating up and the landing crew are now trapped behind huge asteroids that are quickly forming together into one practically impenetrable solid piece and starting to crush the landing crew.

Meanwhile, the asteroid belt has come to life and are moving around like crazy. As a result, the shuttles are bouncing around like pinballs as more and more asteroids slam into the shuttles’ protective shields, thereby greatly reducing their shield’s effectiveness.

The shuttles’ crew desperately try to incinerate as many asteroids as they can whilst shooting through the growing asteroid layer around the orb, but they are still getting pounded. Additionally, the shuttles are close to being sucked into the ever-growing object even though their thrusters are on overdrive. Warning sirens scream and red lights flash in the shuttles’ bridges as asteroids continuously slam into the shuttles’ depleted shields.

Shuttle One Commander: Captain, the landing crew are barely alive and we are being pounded like ping pong balls by the asteroids. I’m afraid it won’t be much longer until we too will be sucked into the new planet. Additionally, our shields are almost gone, power almost depleted, and I probably shouldn’t say this, but...

Georgiou: Go on.

Shuttle One Commander: Well Captain, I’m about to shit my pants!

Georgiou: Put a plug in it and keep fighting! (To the bridge crew) Can somebody get me some peanuts, immediately.

Sulu: Did you just say “penis”?

Georgiou: "Peanuts," Mr. Sulu, I said, “peanuts”! And make ‘em spicy! I’m starving!

Scene 7: Dilemma on the bridge

Confidence on the bridge has sunk to an all-time low. The captain methodically paces back and forth trying to figure out a plan while Saru scans the crazy spinning object.

Saru: Captain, the object appears to be some sort of sophisticated planet building accelerator. The faster it spins, the more debris it sucks in. Once big enough, the inner core will ultimately heat up and cause the new planet to spin even faster resulting in more debris being attracted to it. The object could eventually ignite and create a core of molten metal. Thus, the crew and shuttles are all in eminent danger of being smashed to bits, thus becoming a permanent part of the inner core of a new planet!

Georgiou: Holy fuck! Does anyone have a suggestion on how we can get everyone out of this situation safely? Anyone?

The captain looks around the bridge at her concerned crew. Suddenly, a fiery redheaded cadet named Sylvia Tilly finds the courage to speak up.

Tilly: Captain, while we sit here trying to figure out a plan, that thing could end up sucking us in as well and killing everyone onboard. I suggest we get the fuck out of here and let those in harms way, stay in harms way.

Most everyone on the bridge agrees. The captain looks around for any other suggestions? Trip Tucker is standing over in a corner calmly smoking a joint.

Tucker: Captain, I’d just blow up every asteroid in the immediate vicinity so that planet builder has no fuel. Afterwards, we eject that thing to another quadrant of space, free the crew, and then boom, Bob’s your uncle.

Saru: Captain, that’s an idiotic suggestion! There are literally millions of asteroids in that belt and since we couldn’t muster the power to beam up twenty-one humans, who in their right mind would think we could suddenly beam a massive spinning object to another part of space? Have you lost your mind Tucker?

Tucker: OK, OK, it was just a suggestion, keep your skirt on!

Saru: I am not a woman and I do not wear skirts! I find your comment incredibly degrading Mr. Tucker!

Rocket: (Stepping forward) What he’s trying to say, lizard breath, is don’t get your panties in a wad!

Saru: Again, very degrading especially coming from a long-nosed, smelly wombat!

Rocket: I’m a raccoon you imbecile!

Georgiou: Enough! Anyone else have a plan? Speak up now or forever hold your peace.

Rocket jumps on the captain’s chair.

Rocket: Cap, I’ve got a plan, but it’s a bit mental.

Georgiou: Let’s hear it.

Saru: Captain, this is no time to listen to a maniacal rodent!

Rocket: Zip it pizza face!

Georgiou: Go on.

Rocket: I say we pull a few of the biggest asteroids together, hop on board, use them asteroids like a protective buffer to glide off the other asteroids, cruise in as close as we can, then try to suck the shuttles into the Shenzhou and at the same time launch an anti-gravity device that will slow or stop that crazy spinning top.

Chewbacca offers an agreeing howl in the background. Georgiou punches the internal communicator.

Georgiou: Scotty, can you build an anti-gravity device that will slow that crazy spinning object down.

Scotty: Sure, if you give me a crew of a hundred and a few months.

Georgiou: Scotty, we’ve got like an hour tops.

Scotty: For fuck’s sakes, it can’t be done!

Saru: Actually captain, with my calculations, that spinning object’s core temperature will fry the landing crew in just under fifteen minutes if it continues to accelerate as quickly as it is doing now.

Scotty: (Listening in) Captain, there is no way in hell I can create an anti-gravity device in under fifteen minutes! And I tend to agree with the rest of the crew, let’s piss off before we become planet fodder.

Georgiou: Ma dan (Literally “mother’s egg” in Mandarin Chinese)! OK, any other ideas?

The captain looks around the bridge once again. Fear has trickled in and is showing up on the frightened faces of her crew. Although the situation looks bleak,  the captain is hellbent on saving the crew and the shuttles. Lieutenant Uhura abruptly spins around from her instrument panel and raises her hand proudly in the air.

Uhura: Captain, there’s always you know who.

Georgiou: (Suddenly remembers) Oh yeah! Make it so.

Cut to Doctor McCoy in his lab unfreezing a person who has been cryogenically frozen for quite some time. Bones slaps the naked person awake and hands him a green medical gown. Guards quickly rush the barefooted person down a long hallway into an elevator. Seconds later, the elevator doors open and MacGyver steps onto the bridge.

Georgiou: Welcome back Mac, have you been debriefed?

MacGyver: I sure as hell have and it sounds like the crew are fucked and far from home! I’m with everyone else, let’s skedaddle!

Georgiou: Mac, we can’t! We need a solution quickly!

MacGyver: Look, don’t pressure me! You lot, you freeze me like a popsicle and then unfreeze me the second you run into a little problem. Listen, I’m not your little lap dog that will solve everything at your beck and call! And by the way, I’m more qualified than any of you to run this ship. Just give me a paperclip, a tube of toothpaste, a can of WD-40, and some duct tape and I’ll get us out of any jam. And I mean any jam! (Under his breath) Except maybe this one.

 Rocket: You’re so full of yourself! This is why we keep you one ice!

MacGyver: No, I am not full of myself, just confident in what I can do. It’s that simple.

Sulu: Did you just say you can’t fix the problem?

The bridge gets deafly quiet.

MacGyver: Look, I’m not Superman, OK? Had you pulled me out of the deep freeze sooner I would have advised you not to inspect that object. I would have strongly said, “Hell no, don't go!” OK? But the damage’s done, game over, let’s move on before we’re all toast!

Georgiou: Mac, focus, there’s no time to waste. Think, there must be a way out of this situation that doesn’t involve using ancient technology like duct tape!

MacGyver: (Pointing to the screen) No, honestly, look how fast that orb is spinning and how hot it is. The landing crew are probably roasting right now.

Saru: He’s right captain, if we don’t do something in 8.57 minutes, the landing crew are done for followed by the shuttles. Additionally, we won’t be able to escape the ever-increasing gravity waves of that new planet soon, real soon.

Georgiou: (Getting in the Saru’s face) Can you, for one second, stop giving me bad news after bad news and for one fucking time in your life give me a solution! Honest to god, you’re a nightmare to work with! (Mocking) Captain this, captain that! Give me a fucking suggestion for once in your life!

Saru: (Taken aback) Well, I had no idea you felt that way. OK, I’ve got something, but it’s way, way out there.

Georgiou: Give it to me now!

Saru: OK, rocket’s right, we can piggyback on some large asteroids and create a sort of super shield to buffer us from the impact of the other asteroids. Once we get close enough, we can pull in the two shuttles and at the same time start circling the object counterclockwise so we reduce the gravitational waves and ultimately neutralize them. That should give us enough time to beam in the landing crew and then slingshot out of harms way.

Rocket: The first part is my idea and it’s top notch, but the second part is pure idiocy. It’s a suicide mission!

MacGyver: (Pointing to the Saru) I wholeheartedly agree, this guy is whacked out of his mind.

Georgiou: Hold on.

Rocket: No, you aren’t honestly entertaining this ridiculous idea, are you?

Georgiou looks around the room at all the worried faces.

Cut to engineering. Scotty is in his lab working away on an antigravity device all by himself. He’s perched at a table orchestrating a ton of computerized arms working at supersonic speeds while listening to the chatter on the bridge.

Georgiou: (Via intercom) Scotty, is Rocket’s plan doable?

Scotty: Captain, we’re a’gonna need more dilithium crystals if we’re a’gonna power through an asteroid belt fraught with danger, free two shuttles, spin around a small object at near warp speed, and then save the landing crew!

Georgiou: Figure it out!

Doctor McCoy suddenly barges onto the bridge.

Bones: Captain, we’re peacemakers, not miracle workers!

Georgiou: Bones, not now. (Turning to the crew) Let’s do it! Chekov, full speed ahead!

The entire crew collectively roll their eyes. Rocket puts on a crash helmet while Chewy clutches a stripper's pole nestled in a corner.

Rocket: Strap in, we’re in for one hell of a bumpy ride!

Cut to engineering.

Scotty: (Motioning to two assistants) You there, sort out the crystal problem, I can’t be bothered, as I’ve got to finish this anti-gravity thingamajig.

Jesse Pinkman and Walter White from Breaking Bad are two of Scotty’s assistants. They look at each other and have a powwow.

Pinkman: Yo, did he just say he needs more crystals?

White: Yes, and I know exactly who to kill to get them.

Pinkman: Sweet!

Scene 8: What jeer?

Cut to Tony Montana aka Scarface, from the movie of the same name, who is in his Miami mansion in the 1980s coked up out of his mind, barricaded in his office, and clutching two machine guns. Millions of dollars are piled on his desk along with tons of cocaine bags. DEA officers have surround the building and are about to break in.

Jesse Pinkman and Walter White suddenly beam into Scarface’s office.

Scarface: (Rubbing his eyes for clarity) Yo, who the fuck are joo? (Pointing his machine guns) And how de fuck did joo just get in here, mang?

Pinkman: Yo, calm down, bitch!

Scarface: (Getting in Jesse's face) Yo, I ain't jour beach, mang!

Pinkman: (Getting in Scarface's face) Yo, I ain't your mang, bitch!

White: (Getting between them) Calm down, we don’t have much time. Listen carefully, we are from the future and desperately need some crystal.

Scarface: Crystal! I no have no fucking crystal. (Slamming his hand on his desk) Joo see dis, mang? (Throwing coke powder across the room) Coca, pure Colombian. Dat’s it, dat’s all I got. Swear to god!

Pinkman: We're screwed!

Scarface: Wait, did joo say joo from de future, like aliens or some chit like dat? What jeer?

White: That doesn’t matter.

Scarface: Oh, I tink it does. (Proudly showing off his machine guns) I tink joo gunna wanna tell me or I introduce joo to my two little friends!

White: 2255.

Scarface: No chit! Lemme axe, joo got hot chicas in 2255?

White: (Impatiently) Stunning.

Scarface: Good food?

White: Exceptional.

 Scarface: Good drugs?

White: Impeccable.

Scarface: I might like dis future, mang.

An axe hits the door and slightly breaks through. The DEA are trying to get in. Tony fires at the door.

Scarface: Fuck off joo cockroaches!

White: Quickly, you must know someone who sells crystal in Miami and goes by the name of “The Big E.C.?”

Scarface: Know him, jess, but I would not fuck with him! He belongs in de fuckin' coo-coo bin, OK? Joo know, he’s crazy! Loco in de cabeza!

Scene 9: The Big E.C.

Cut to Pinkman and White walking into a swank Miami titty bar dressed like Tubs and Crocket from Miami Vice. The pair walk in back to the manager’s office, kick the door open, and draw their phasers. Behind a huge mahogany desk, Eric Cartman from South Park is doing lines of coke off the breasts of a beautiful titty dancer.

Cartman: Oh shit. (To the titty dancer) Babe, come back in a while, I’ve got business to take care of.

Cartman slaps the titty dancer's ass and then rubs his gums with fresh cocaine. She calmly leaves as White and Pinkman approach Cartman.

White: So we meet again!

Cartman: So we do. How did you ever find me?

White: I just followed your trail of death and destruction.

Pinkman: (To White) Yo, who is this guy?

White: Eric Cartman, aka Bothra the Clown, aka Hildalgo Buttram, aka Spectral Thromulus, aka Whisslin’ Dickie, aka…

Pinkman: Yo bitch, enough with the names, what’s he done?

White: He’s the biggest drug smuggler the universe has ever seen!

Cartman: Ha, I see my reputation precedes me.

White: Yes, but we’ve got no time for small talk. Hand over the crystals Cartman!

Cartman: (Innocently) What on earth are you talking about?

Cartman presses a button on his desk.

Cartman: (Pointing to a wall on his left) In a few seconds the scariest, most ferocious being from this side of the cosmos is going to burst out of that wall and chew you to bits!

White and Pinkman point their phasers at the wall.

Cartman: Wait for it!

A baby honey badger slowly waddles out of a mouse hole.

White: (Pointing his phaser at Cartman) Enough games Cartman, give us the crystal or I’ll send you to Terra Rhombus for advanced torture treatments.

The baby honey badger launches itself and attacks White. The honey badger is deceptively strong, fast, and ripping White to shreds.

Cartman: (Feigning) Terra Rhombus, oo, I'm so scared. (To the honey badger) Kill him!

Pinkman power pukes on the floor in terror. The honey badger instantly stops shredding White and starts feeding on Pinkman’s puke.

Cartman: No! (To the honey badger) Attack!

The honey badger won’t listen to Cartman, instead, it slowly munches away on the fresh vomit. White stands up a bloody mess while Pinkman pukes again, but this time, over in a corner. The honey badger immediately runs to lap up the tasty new projectile.

Bleeding profusely, White grabs Cartman by the neck and points his phaser directly at Cartman’s head.

White: The gig’s up chief, your attack animal fell for the old puking Pinkman trick. Now, cough up the crystals!

Cartman pulls out an eyeball and hands it to White.

Cartman: Here, have it, but you owe me big time!

White cracks the eyeball open and it's loaded with crystal.

White shoots Cartman through his empty eye socket and then gouges out Cartman’s other eyeball. Bloody and lifeless, Cartman slouches over in his chair. As his blood pours out of his eye sockets, it melts through the floor.

White: (Cracking open the other eyeball for its crystal) I hate debt!

Pinkman and White beam back to the Shenzhou and back to the future.

Scene 10: A desperate plan

Warning alarms sound across the Shenzhou as the crew prepare for the worst. The asteroid belt has become extremely volatile: Asteroids are quickly smashing into each other, slamming the shuttles, and streaming into the spinning object at unbelievable speeds. Amazingly, the Shenzhou manages to suck in a number of huge asteroids, lands on top of them, and forms a long, thick board underneath the ship that resembles a boogie board. The Shenzhou then forms a super protective shell around the ship and the makeshift boogie board. The ship slowly accelerates and starts blasting asteroids left and right while it uses the boogie board to slam into the numerous other asteroids in its path and glide off of them.

The Shenzhou gathers speed, fires rapidly at all incoming asteroids, and smoothly skims off others like a snowboarder hitting moguls. Over time the plan begins to work and the Shenzhou is able to get close enough to the shuttles to use its tractor beam. The two shuttles break free of the gravity waves and return to the ship just in the nick of time.

Once close to the new planet, the starship accelerates and zooms counterclockwise around the new planet. The Shenzhou starts zipping around the planet at ultra fast speeds as the debris on the new planet starts peeling off like loose skin. Before long the landing crew is in view.

Saru: (Glued to his instrument panel) Captain, they’re alive!

Georgiou: (Eating peanuts from a bowl, she slaps the intercom) Beam them up Mr. Scotty!

Scotty: Aye-aye!

Scene 11: A sophisticated spherical object

The Shenzhou is safely out of harms way and the crew are all safely back on the ship. Michael Burnham enters the bridge.

Georgiou: Ah, Number One, I see you’re back up to full speed.

Burnham: Yes, we were nearly goners. However, had I gone out alone, as I initially suggested, I could have sorted everything out. And even if I hadn't, you could have left me there to die and named the new planet after me. Instead, you put the entire crew at risk by trying to save us. Not very wise captain.

Saru: Oh please, would you shut it for just one second! You’re so arrogant! We just saved your ass, how about a little gratitude!

Burnham: (Stone faced) OK, thank you one and all.

Rocket: (To Saru) Sincerity is not one of her strong points.

Georgiou: Number One, save the finger pointing for later. Mr. Saru, any news on who made that spinning orb?

Saru: Captain, after examining the makeup and signal from the planet-forming object, it appears to be distinctly Klingon.

Georgiou: Really? I thought they were long gone! How the hell did they have the technology to create such a sophisticated device?

Saru: No idea, but if they can build that, just imagine what else they can build.

Georgiou: Right. Number One, contact the Vulcan Federation and inform them to open communication channels with the Klingons. We need to figure out why the Klingons are suddenly in our territory trying to quickly build a planet.

Burnham: Captain, if there’s one of these planet-building devices, then there’s probably many. I say we travel around space and shoot any sign of them from here to Timbuktu! And if you give me a ship, I’ll go out alone and fuck some shit up all by myself! I’m just saying.

Georgiou: That’s a great idea, but let’s go out together as a team Number One, as a team! I’ll give the admiral a full report and with his okay, we can be on our way. But first, Number One and Mr. Saru, meet me in my cabin, I’d like a threesome immediately.

Saru: You mean normal sexual intercourse between us three? (Disgusted) Oo!

Georgiou: That is a direct order! All this tension has got me highly sexually charged.

Saru: (Suddenly aroused) Might I suggest inviting a few tribbles and other kinky pets to join us. And it might be more pleasurable to do it in a holographic pool surrounded by various aquatic animals shooting erotic waves of stimulation at our sensitive areas.

Georgiou: Make it so!

Rocket: (Dropping his drawers and reveling three dicks and six balls) Hold the phone Chuck! Little known fact, I’m genetically designed for threesomes. Can I join you?

Saru: You ain’t the only one with something special!

Saru drops his pants to revel a penis shaped like an elephant’s trunk. It comes to life and grabs a few peanuts out of Georgiou’s bowl and puts them in his mouth. Everyone’s jaw drops. Saru wipes his mouth clean with his thumb.

Not to be outdone, MacGyver pulls out a long cylindrical device.

MacGyver: Hey, looky what I found in sickbay. (He presses a button and a huge array of sexual pleasing tools appear at the end of the device) Hello!

Everyone stares at Bones.

Bones: What can I say, I’m a lover, not a fighter.

Scotty bursts through the elevator doors holding a sophisticated, phallically shaped object.

Scotty: Captain, here’s your anti-gravity device, am I too late?

Georgiou: Ah Scotty, unfortunately you are.

Scotty: For the love of Pete! (Inspecting the anti-gravity device) Well, that was a fucking waste of time, but while I’m here, let me show you how it works.

Scotty tosses the device on the ground and the entire crew on the bridge begin floating in the air.

Georgiou: Computer queue some dance music, flood the bridge with laughing gas, and let’s get this party started!

“Ballroom Blitz” by The Sweet starts playing through the loudspeaker. The entire bridge erupts in applause and instantly starts disrobing. Chewy howls with delight.

Scene 12: Arrival of T’Kuvma

Cut to a Klingon warship led by T'Kuvma who paces the bridge anxiously.

Ensign: Commander, the Federation has just destroyed one of our planet building devices in a far sector of space.

T'Kuvma: They will pay for this provocation! Get me our core team of engineers. We will set a trap for these meddlers and teach them a lesson. Muhoo-haha-ha!

The End.

 

Hillel Groovatti is the author of the short fiction collection entitled Totally Losing Face and Other Stories.