South Park Fan Fiction: Cartman Chokes a Chicken (Part 3)
And now the exciting conclusion of Cartman Chokes a Chicken!
Warning: Strong language and adult situations.
SYNOPSIS: Cartman gets busted trying to kill his neighbor’s rooster while Randy tries to institute a global ban on porn, hilarity ensues.
Special Guest Stars: Towelie, Al Gore, Jenna Jameson, Dr. Phil, Judge Judy, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Perry Mason, Paul Rubens, the Raisins, Terrance & Phillip, Satan, Jesus, and introducing Radcliff the Rooster. Roll video, start theme music, and begin South Park intro!
Judge Judy comes out of her judge’s chambers and returns with a verdict.
BALIFF: Please rise.
Judge Judy sits down on her thrown and puts on her glasses to read the verdict.
JUDGE JUDY: I’ve heard both of your arguments and I am siding with the accused. All farm animals in residential areas should be kept in check so as not to disturb your neighbors.
Cartman stands up and starts dancing around.
JUDGE JUDY: Thus, I am fining you, Mr. Wippleman, owner of the offending rooster, 500 dollars. However, Mr. Cartman, damaging or attempting to damage your neighbor’s property is illegal. So I am assigning you 20 hours of community service.
CARTMAN: (Stops dancing) 20 hours? That’s fucking bullshit!
JUDGE JUDY: 40 hours. Would you like more?
CARTMAN: Shiiii, oot. No!
NEIGHBOR: (Flips off judge Judy as he prepares to leave the courtroom) There is no justice in this world!
JUDGE JUDY: That’ll be 1,000 dollars Mr. Wippleman!
NEIGHBOR: (Under his breath as he’s leaving) You can pry it outta my cold dead hands, cunt!
The boys go up to congratulate Eric.
BUTTERS: Great job defending yourself, Eric!
Satan and Jesus approach the boys.
CARTMAN: Thanks for the help, Satan, not! And Jesus, real convincing! The least you could have done was dress up a bit, shave, and cut your hair. You look like a freaking hippie!
JESUS: I’m sorry you feel that way, my son. I was trying to guide you in the right direction so you could see the light.
CARTMAN: What light? The only light I see is that society is cruel and there is no justice! Some savior you are! And Satan, you can lick my balls!
SATAN: What did you say? You’ll burn for all eternity for that!
CARTMAN: Ha, I’m real scared. Riddle me this old dark one: If I’m dead, how can I burn? I won’t be able to feel a thing. You don’t scare me; you big red donkey!
SATAN: Donkey! I’ll show you how to feel pain!
Satan suddenly grows to enormous proportions. He’s ten times his normal size and has to bend over to avoid hitting his head on the high ceiling of the courtroom. He abruptly drops his drawers revealing two gigantic red balls that fall out and crush Cartman. A plethora a penises pop out in various shapes and sizes. The crowd shakes in fear.
STAN: Look at the manliness of Satan; he’s got like 50 dicks!
KYLE: Dude man, I hope he makes Cartman suck each and every one of them, dry!
BUTTERS: This is going to be great!
Cartman struggles to break free from Satan’s gigantic balls.
SATAN: (In a deep demonic voice) Now lick my sweaty balls! Slowly, but with feeling!
We return to the same camera angle from the beginning of the story (Scene 1, Part 1): Cartman is being suffocated by Satan’s huge red balls.
CARTMAN: Dude, (Grunting) it smells like cheese down here!
Jesus dawns his matrix sunglasses, grabs the Colorado state flag, twirls it, and then skewers Stan’s twin ball sacks. Large black serpents come streaming out. Satan screams in agony shattering the windows for miles around. In a flash, he disappears, as do the serpents.
Slave stands up in the audience.
SLAVE: Jesus Christ!
Cartman runs over to Jesus.
CARTMAN: Jesus! Thank you, thank you, thank you! How could I have ever doubted you? How could I have turned the other cheek? You really are my savior.
Cartman drops down and kisses Jesus’ feet.
JESUS: Thank you my boy. But don’t think this gets you out of hell duty!
CARTMAN: Hell duty? But Jesus, no! Jesus, you my boy, come on!
JESUS: You can’t talk your way out of this.
CARTMAN: Awwww, come on! Jesus!
JESUS: Nope, you’re on a highway to hell, but there’s still hope for you. You can still get on the path of righteousness, if you try to do good in this world.
CARTMAN: Really, it’s that easy! I’ll try, Jesus. I really will try.
The boys gather around.
KYLE: Jesus, great job skewering Satan’s balls!
STAN: Yeah! That was kickass!
BUTTERS: I’ll say, you really dissected his gigantic scrotal sack!
CARTMAN: (Eyeballing Kyle) Jesus, I want to clear something up once and for all. Who killed you?
JESUS: (Patting Cartman’s head) My boy, that is a very intriguing question. To answer it, you must consider three things.
CARTMAN: Lay it on me, Jesus.
JESUS: Point number one, do I even exist?
CARTMAN: Of course you exist, what kind of question is that! You’re here right now. We all saw you slay Satan in epic fashion, so what’s next?
JESUS: Are you familiar with Zeus?
CARTMAN: Sure, who isn’t?
JESUS: Say someone, for example Batman, was able to kill Zeus. If that happened, wouldn’t you worship Batman instead of Zeus?
CARTMAN: Yeah, I guess.
JESUS: Well, if the Jews killed me, shouldn’t you be worshipping them?
KYLE: (Grabbing his crotch) Ha, ha, suck it Cartman!
CARTMAN: Jesus, you silly sausage. That’s simply ludicrous! I can’t worship an entire race, especially one that Kyle’s a part of. Come on! Jesus, you gotta give me another option. Come on!
JESUS: Okay, the final thing to consider is who had the most to gain from killing me?
CARTMAN: The Jews?
JESUS: No. Who was ruling Judaea at the time I was reportedly alive? Who has its global headquarters right smack dab in the middle of Rome? And who would gain the most from blaming others?
CARTMAN: This really sounds a lot like the Jews! If not the Jews, then I don’t know. (Pondering hard) Who could it be? (Really stumped) Wait, I got it! The Irish!
KYLE: Close lard ass. Think soccer and pizza.
CARTMAN: Oh, I got it! Rome is in Italy! Hey, isn’t Bono Italian?
KYLE: No, dumbass, he’s Irish.
CARTMAN: Yeah, yeah, I knew that. I meant Sonny Bono, he’s Italian, right?
STAN: Yep, but is that the only Italian person you can name?
BUTTERS: Who’s Sonny Bono?
KYLE: He used to be married to Cher.
BUTTERS: Who’s Cher?
KYLE: She used to be married to Gregg Allman.
BUTTERS: Who’s Gregg Allman?
KYLE: He used to play music with his brothers and Eric Clapton.
BUTTERS: Who’s Eric Clapton?
KYLE: Dude man, just forget it, not important.
CARTMAN: Jesus, are you saying I should worship the Jews and blame the Italians? Or should I continue blaming the Jews and worship the Italians? Or should I blame both of them, but worship Batman and pizza? I’m so confused!
JESUS: Son, I’m just trying to get you to use your brain.
STAN: Good luck with that!
CARTMAN: Shove it Stan! Now, Jesus, I’ve got one more question. What about, you know (makes a jerking motion)?
JESUS: What about what?
CARTMAN: You know, a little jerky, jerky, wanky, wanky, spanky, spanky. Where’s that dirty hanky?
TOWLIE: Fuck off, Cartman!
CARTMAN: I’m not talking about you, Towlie.
JESUS: What are you talking about? Out with it, I’m not a mind reader!
CARTMAN: You know: beat the bishop, pull the pope, squeeze the cheese, jerk the jizzer, crank the carrot?
JESUS: What on earth are you on about?
CARTMAN: You know, (whispers) masturbation.
JESUS: Oh, jerking off! Sure, what about it?
CARTMAN: Is it like okay to, you know, to do? Or will you go straight to hell? And will you go blind?
JESUS: What do you think?
Close up of Cartman. The lights dim. Show music begins to play quietly in the background. A spotlight shines on Cartman. He takes center stage wearing a top hat and tails and begins to sing.
CARTMAN: Is masturbation legal?
The Raisins come in with pompoms and hula-hoops and start dancing all over the court in unison.
RAISINS: Is masturbation legal?
CARTMAN: I want to know.
RAISINS: He wants to know.
CARTMAN: Is masturbation legal?
RAISINS: Is masturbation legal?
CARTMAN: Will you go straight to hell for ringing that bell?
RAISINS: Ding, ding.
CARTMAN: Will you go blind for twisting the rind?
RAISINS: (Dancing the Twist) Let’s twist again.
CARTMAN: Will you condemn your butt for busting a nut?
RAISINS: Nuts go good with raisins.
CARTMAN: I think I know the answer.
RAISINS: He thinks he knows.
CARTMAN: It’s a conspiracy.
RAISINS: A true-blue conspiracy.
CARTMAN: Who would be evil enough to spread lies and spew hate about self-love?
RAISINS: Love thyself.
Goth kids come in with their instruments, bored as hell. “This is really lame” they agree amongst themselves, then begin to play.
CARTMAN: It was the Brits!
RAISINS: Oh, yes it was.
CARTMAN: I tell you they had everything to do with it.
RAISINS: Oh, yes they did.
Cartman starts dancing around like he’s on Dancing With The Stars.
CARTMAN: The Brits created the entire thought of it!
The whole town struts in, banners unfurl, a full-on orchestra starts to play. Confetti rains down.
RAISINS: It was the Brits!
CARTMAN: Yes, (Talking faster) it was the festering zit, Brits. They went to Rome after the Romans like strangled Christians, and like tortured, and strung them up, and fed them piece-by-piece to the lions. Way after that, like back when the Romans suddenly decided to be Christians.
RAISINS: (Smiling happily, arms stretched out like they are on a cross) The Romans suddenly stopped killing, and torturing, and dismembering the Christians and became Christians too!
CARTMAN: Then the powers that be needed a way to rebrand Christianity and give it something different than the other religions.
RAISINS: They wanted to differentiate.
CARTMAN: Then came the Brits. Those evil, slimy, greedy, crafty Brits, they gave the church a terrible suggestion: “No whacking the winky!” Then suddenly, the church was behind it!
RAISINS: Don’t whack that winky!
CARTMAN: Or snuggle that twinkie!
RAISINS: Hands off the merchandise.
CARTMAN: Don’t touch your willy, don’t gloss your nilly, and don’t get jiggy near the lice.
RAISINS: Oo, that doesn’t sound nice.
CARTMAN: Hold on! Hold on! Stop the music! (Music dies down) Guess what? Mel Gibson’s a Brit!
STAN: (To Kyle) Wait a minute, I thought he was Australian?
KYLE: It’s part of the Commonwealth.
BUTTERS: I thought he was an American?
CARTMAN: Blame Mel Gibson too! (Music & dancing continues) He’s an evil, mind-altering, drunken, abusive, douche bag (The douche bag mascot appears and does acrobatics on a trampoline in the background), and a turd sandwich (turd sandwich descends from the ceiling on a swing).
RAISINS: Blame Mel Gibson!
CARTMAN: Mel Gibson killed masturbation! Think of it, he’s got the money and the power to time travel and talk the Romans into it.
RAISINS: Mel did it!
CARTMAN: Wait one more second! (Music dies down again) There might be one more person to blame.
RAISINS: Who could it be?
CARTMAN: (Thinking hard) I know, it’s Canada! Blame Canada! (Music starts up again).
PHILIP: I knew that was coming.
TERRANCE: Me too!
IKE: Me free!
The camera pans across the mayhem, and we see Towelie in the background making out with Jenna Jameson.
TOWELIE: We have Jenna (Towelie sticks his tongue down her throat; Jenna loves it)! Hell yeahs! Everybody get high!
Al Gore comes running in.
AL GORE: Wait a minute! Wait one stinking minute! (The music dies down) What about the ManBearPig? Was he involved? I’m just saying.
(Music starts up again and the crowd goes nuts).
Cut to outside the courthouse.
NEWS 4 ROVING REPORTER: Hi Tom, I’m standing in front of the Colorado State Courthouse where Judge Judy just ruled in favor of the young South Park child accused of choking his neighbor’s chicken.
ManBearPig suddenly attacks the News 4 reporter and rips his head off. The severed, bloody head rolls on the ground and eventually comes to a full stop. The camera zooms in.
NEWS 4 ROVING REPORTER: In other news, Tom, I’ve just had my head ripped off, details at 11:00.
ManBearPig jumps on the severed head and begins eating it. The camera zooms back to get the whole picture.
Afternoon. Cut to close up of huge shiny corporate sign of GoliathMassivelyLargeTech, where Sharon works. The song, Inagodadavida, plays loudly in the background. Camera shows a large corporate structure and pans to the company’s parking lot. Camera zooms in on a parked minivan. As the camera zooms, the music gets louder.
Randy’s van is rocking back and forth in the parking lot. A hand knocks on the door.
RANDY: If the van is a rockin’, don’t bother knockin’!
Randy is having sex with Sharon in the back of their minivan having a conjugal visit during work time.
SECURITY OFFICER: Sir, step out of the van, please!
The van slowly stops rocking.
Kyle, Stan, Cartman, Kenny, Butters, and Jimmy exit the courtroom. They run into Stan’s mom and dad, who are in handcuffs about to be booked.
STAN: Mom, dad, what happened?
RANDY: Son, we were performing our marital duties, in a parking lot, in our van, when old Johnny Law sticks his peeping-Tom eyes in and decides to arrest us on the grounds of indecent behavior. Can you believe it?
CARTMAN: You two got busted having sex in a parking lot in the family van? OOOO! What are you teenagers?
Suddenly picturing the event in their minds, all the kids puke.
Jesus is in bed with Satan in hell.
JESUS: Sorry about puncturing your balls!
SATAN: No worries, I’m a quick healer. (Leaning over with a frisky look on his face) So Sus, you uh, wanna self-gratify each other?
JESUS: Gee Bellzy, I’m actually trying out this Gonad 6000 thingamajig. I’m a really hot commodity in heaven. As you can imagine, the ladies just won’t leave me alone! This product might actually ward off all the female advances and reduce my carnal desires. The women really are all over me! I mean, it’s ridiculous!
SATAN: Stop bragging, Jesus Christ! However, I really wish I could find a Gonad 6000 that fits me.
JESUS: Now who’s bragging?
SATAN: It’s true; they don’t have a “super manly” size for super manly types like me. Oh well, I guess I’ll just call up a frisky old demon to help me out. I’ve got this new Anal Probe 3000 that everyone’s talking about. (Whips out the device and twirls it around) Let’s see, who can I try it out on? Hmm, frisky, old demon? Who could I call at this hour? (Gets on the phone) Hello Santa, who’s your daddy?
After school. Outside, wide-angle shot of the Marsh house.
Cut to the living room. The kids are hanging out around the TV playing video games.
STAN: So Butters, are you still seeing that shrink about your parents having sex all the time?
BUTTERS: Nah, I suddenly stopped puking every time I thought of my parents having sex.
KYLE: That’s good. Hey guys, you know what I learned over that last few days? I learned that self-gratification is a normal part of the human condition and shouldn’t be vilified by the church or anyone else!
STAN: I learned that parents should masturbate if they aren’t having sex.
KYLE: Yes, Kenny, you’re right! You shouldn’t try to kill pets with your own hands, especially if the owner is watching. And Satan really does have huge balls and many penises.
BUTTERS: Fellas (Begging for attention), what did I learn?
CARTMAN: Butters, you learned that you should record your parents the next time you see them having sex and put it on the Internet.
STAN: And that you should rejoice that your parents found the time to have sex with one another.
JIMMY: And, tuh, tuh, that sex with animals should not be attempted. Wa, wa, wait a moment, I learned that one.
BUTTERS: Fellas, what I think I really learned the most is that some people are really hung up on sex! I don’t condone the idea of my parents having sex, but I guess I have to accept it. Roosters crow, dogs bark, and parents have sex. It’s just natural and I can’t get upset every time I think about it.
CARTMAN: Well, I learned that Mel Gibson is a lying, shape-shifting, time-traveling bastard! And miraculously, praise Jesus, if you try hard enough, you can solve all your problems. For instance, you know how I’ve been working at that animal shelter lately to resolve my court appointed community service and all, and you know what? I’ve learned that animals have rights too. You would not believe what they do to those animals in there. There’s cutting and desexing going on. That’s wrong, just plain wrong! These creatures need love and kindness, not removal of their sex organs! So I took it upon myself to free every last one of those poor little critters. And one in particular, a large Doberman with a sweet tooth for roosters, I took a liking to. After using a little bit of encouragement, I liberated him into my neighbor’s backyard and now that loud-ass Radcliff the rooster is in heaven or wherever dead roosters go. The sonofabitch!
©Copyright Hillel Groovatti, all rights reserved.
Hillel Groovatti is the author of “Totally Losing Face and Other Stories”.
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